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Depression, Financial Issues, Grief, journaling, Life Transitions, midlife, Parenting, Procrastination, Psychotherapy, self awareness, self discovery, stress, Work Life Balance

What Makes You Procrastinate?

October 19, 2017 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

All of us procrastinate on occasion. For some people, it’s a chronic problem; for others, it’s only a problem in certain life areas. Procrastination is always frustrating because it results in wasted time, lost opportunities, disappointing work performance, and generally feeling bad about yourself.

When you procrastinate, you allow less important tasks to take up the time and space that should be devoted to more important things. You do things like hanging out with friends when you know that an important work project is due soon, or going shopping instead of doing your homework. It can also be evident in behavior such as talking about trivial things with your partner to avoid discussing important issues in your relationship.

Most people don’t have a problem finding time for things they want to do. But once they see a task as too difficult, painful, boring, or overwhelming, the procrastination behaviors begin. You are not alone if you have ever made any of the following excuses to yourself:

1. It’s too cold to exercise outside today. I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.

2. I’ve got too many other things to do first.

3. I’ll do a better job when I can concentrate on this project.

4. I still have lots of time to get this done.

5. They don’t pay me enough to do a more complete job. This is good enough.

6. This problem is too hard to talk about. I wouldn’t know where to start.

7. I work better under pressure.

8. It’s too noisy to work while my teenager is at home.

9. I should get the shopping down now because the stores will be more crowded later.

10. I can eat this pie tonight, because I’m starting my diet tomorrow.

11. My tooth doesn’t really hurt that much. The pain will probably go away tomorrow.

Most of the time, these excuses seem fairly innocuous. However, they’re not as innocent as they seem, because they cause us to postpone important duties and projects. Ultimately, these excuses can keep us from accomplishing important goals and make us feel bad about ourselves.

Why People Procrastinate

If you were hoping for a simple answer to this puzzle, you will be disappointed to learn that there are many reasons why people put things off. Here are a few of the most common (check those that apply to you):

Avoiding discomfort. Wanting to avoid pain makes lots of people shift into procrastination mode. However, the longer we delay, the worse the uncomfortable problem usually becomes. The rash gets bigger, the tooth hurts more, or the brakes squeak even more loudly.

Perfectionism. Those who believe they must produce the perfect report may obsess about uncovering every last information source and then write draft after draft. Their search for the perfect product takes up so much time that they miss their deadline.

Laziness. Sometimes people delay tasks that involve fairly slight inconvenience or minor discomfort.

Thinking you’re not good enough. Some people are certain that they are incompetent. They think that they will fail, and procrastinate to avoid ever putting their skills to the test.

Self-doubt. If you second-guess yourself, you probably suffer from procrastination. You may avoid new challenges and opportunities unless you are certain that you will succeed. Perhaps you make feeble attempts to begin a project, and you tell yourself that you could do a better job if you put in more effort.

Workaholism. At the other end of the spectrum, many people who work excessively also fall into this category. They drive themselves ruthlessly, fearing that if they stop working, they will not be able to start again. Most self-doubters are driven by the belief that they must meet strict standards in order to see themselves as successful.

Physics Review

Remember the concept of inertia: a mass at rest tends to stay at rest.

For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going.

Why Don’t We Just Say No?

Since procrastination produces mostly negative outcomes, why don’t we just change our behavior and eliminate these undesirable consequences? The reason for this is that procrastination reinforces itself. For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going. We avoid getting started by cleverly diverting our attention from the things we really should be doing. We do something else instead or make up a story about how we will accomplish the task in the future-when we are inspired, or when we have completed a preliminary step, or some other trick.

Although recognizing how these diversions work won’t automatically cure your procrastination, being aware of it is a good place to start working on the problem. Once you are aware of the ways that you procrastinate, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these behaviors as you observe them.

stress

Managing Stress In Your Life

October 8, 2017 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1. Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2. Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3. Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4. Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

5. Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

6. Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:

· Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.

· Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.

· Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.

· Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.

· Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).

7. Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8. Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation, hypnosis, and progressive relaxation are valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.

101 Affirmations and Positive Suggestions: A Workbook Utilizing The Power of Journaling and Self-Hypnosis
by Dr. Elizabeth A Mahaney
Link: http://a.co/0SzD9hN

https://www.createspace.com/3402297

journaling, Life Transitions, midlife, Parenting, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness, self discovery, self expression, Work Life Balance

Journaling For Self Discovery

October 8, 2017 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you’re not sure where to start:

1. Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2. Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3. Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4. Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5. Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6. Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7. For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8. Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9. Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10. Describe how your life would be different if _____ had or had not happened.

Here are some examples:

a. If your parents had divorced

b. If your parents had remained married

c. If your parents had been married

d. If your mother hadn’t passed away

e. If you hadn’t moved to

f. If you had gone to college

g. If you hadn’t gone to college

h. If you had gone to College

i. If you had never met

j. If you hadn’t broken up with

11. Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12. Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13. Write about your junior year in high school.

14. Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15. Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16. Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17. Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18. Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19. Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20. Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a. What your life is like now

b. What you have learned since you were 10

c. What you want him or her to know

d. What you want him or her to beware of

e. What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21. Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22. Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn’t appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23. Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24. Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25. Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26. For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a. Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening

b. Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening

c. Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27. Write about the five things you most like to do.

28. Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29. Make a list of five places you’d like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30. Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31. Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32. Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

33. Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

34. Add your own ideas here:

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling

What Is Solution-Focused Therapy and How Does It Work?

March 15, 2016 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

Most types of psychotherapy involve exploring feelings, being validated, finding explanations, exploring wishes and dreams, setting goals, and gaining clarity. Every therapist has unique ways of working with clients, based on his or her personality, training, and views of how people change.

A solution-focused therapist is likely to do the following:

1. Instead of going over past events and focusing on problems, the therapist helps you envision your future without today’s problems.

2. During the course of therapy (often as few as 3 to 6 sessions), the therapist helps you discover solutions.

3. The therapist encourages you to identify and do more of what is already working.

4. The therapist guides you to identify what doesn’t work and to focus on doing less of it.

5. The emphasis is on the future, not the past.

6. SFBT therapists believe that the client is the best expert about what it takes to change his or her life.

7. The therapist’s role is to help you identify solutions that will remove the barriers to having the life you want.

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT) is a process that helps people change by constructing solutions rather than dwelling on problems. This type of therapy tends to be shorter-term than traditional psychotherapy. Steve de Shazer and Insoo Kim Berg of the Brief Family Therapy Center in Milwaukee are the originators of this form of therapy.

The SFBT therapist helps the client identify elements of the desired solution, which are usually already present in the client’s life. The client learns to build on these elements, which form the basis for ongoing change. Rather than searching for the causes of the problem, the focus is on defining the changes and making them a reality. The two key therapeutic issues are: (1) how the client wants his or her life to be different, and (2) what it will take to make it happen.

Creating a detailed picture of what it will be like when life is better creates a feeling of hope, and this makes the solution seem possible. The therapist helps the client focus on the future and how it will be better when things change. It is important to develop a set of specific, detailed goals. These goals drive the therapy process and keep it focused and efficient.

Why SFBT Is Usually Short-Term

SFBT therapists don’t set out to artificially limit the number of sessions. A good brief therapist will not focus on limiting sessions or time, but rather on helping clients set goals and develop strategies to reach those goals. Focusing on the client’s goals and the concrete steps needed to achieve them usually takes less time than traditional therapy, in which the client typically spends many sessions talking about the past and explores reasons and feelings. SFBT therapists aim to provide clients with the most effective treatment in the most efficient way possible so that clients can achieve their goals and get on with their lives. As a result of this focus, the counseling process often requires as few as six sessions.

Types of Problems That SFBT Addresses

Solution-Focused Brief Therapy is an effective way of helping people solve many kinds of problems, including depression, substance abuse, eating disorders, relationship problems, and many other kinds of issues. Since it focuses on the process of change rather than on dissecting the problem, more serious issues do not necessarily require different treatment. The SFBT therapist’s job is to help clients transform troubling issues into specific goals and an action plan for achieving them.

In The Miracle Method, authors Scott D. Miller and Insoo Kim Berg describe how to create solutions with these steps:

1. State your desire for something in your life to be different.

2. Envision that a miracle happens and your life is different.

3. Make sure the miracle is important to you.

4. Keep the miracle small.

5. Define the change with language that is positive, specific, concrete, and behavioral.

6. State how you will start your journey rather than how you will end it.

7. Be clear about who, where, and when, but not why.

Signs That You Should Consider Seeing a Therapist

There are several ways to know when you would be doing yourself a favor by finding a licensed, professional therapist to work with.

1. You’ve tried several things on your own, but you still have the problem.

2. You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.

3. You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.

4. You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that significantly interfere with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, or your health is suffering. These are signs that you need the help of a trained, licensed professional.

Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Family Fun, journaling, Life Transitions, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, Parenting, relationship, self awareness, Work Life Balance

Life Balance

March 15, 2016 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

It is important to balance aspects of life by taking one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is to set aside specific times to accomplish tasks. Getting more organized, setting specific times for doing tasks, and achieving a schedule will help individuals attain diminutive tasks throughout every day duties. Learning time management skills is definitely a way to help one accomplish goals.

Many people who claim to be victims of psychological or physiological effects of stress may have been able to deal more efficiently with the stressors by using different coping skills. Because we can not always change and manipulate stress nor our external realities, sometimes changing one’s outlook on life greatly affects the way an individual deals with and views stressors. For example, an individual who has a positive outlook, is physically fit, and in touch with many of the dimensions of her being may be able to make a connection by really listening to her body and focusing what her body may be trying to telling her. It is important that people know the avenues to use while dealing with and preventing stress. Massage therapy, accupuncture, yoga, and meditation may be a few ways to help individuals make the connection to life balance . I’ve learned that I really hold tension in my shoulders. So, when I am stressed out I try and work on releasing the tension in this area of my body. Deep relaxation may be another way to manage stress. I have actually written a few of my own meditations to practice.

The basic difference between constructive and destructive reactions to stress is that destructive reactions are maladaptive and constructive reactions are usually more effective.

Examples of destructive reactions are:

1. Defensive Behavior

2. Using Drugs and Alcohol

3. Burnout

Examples of constructive reactions are:

1. Changing Self Defeating Thoughts and Messages

2. Acquiring A Sense of Humor

3. Utilizing Tips for Managing Stress

Assertiveness, Conflict Resolution, Financial Issues, journaling, Life Transitions, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, Psychotherapy, self awareness, Work Life Balance

Take Charge of Your Life

March 15, 2016 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

It is important to have goals because they are good for your physical and mental health. You can have goals for all areas of your life. Here are a few ideas:

Career Learning

Clubs Money

Community Politics

Contribution Professional

Emotional Reading

Family Relationships

Health Service

Home Spiritual

Interests Travel

What Makes an Effective Goal?

Not all goals are motivating. If a goal is too vague, hard to measure, or impossible to achieve, it will lack effectiveness and ultimately be a wasted exercise. Goal statements should be:

• Stated with action verbs

• Specific

• Measurable

• Challenging

• Written down, with completion dates

Effective goals have all five ingredients.

The 80/20 Rule

The 80/20 Rule (also known as Pareto’s Principle) says that 20% of what we do produces 80% of the results. Here are a few examples:

• 20% of the area in your house requires 80% of the cleaning.

• 20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.

• 20% of the kids in a class cause 80% of the problems.

• 20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.

You can probably think of a few examples of your own. Note them here:

It’s important to remind yourself not to get bogged down on low-value activities, but to stay focused on the high-value 20%.

High-Payoff Planning

High-payoff (HIPO) time is the 20% that produces the desired results. Low-payoff (LOPO) time is the 80% that produces only 20% of the results. The challenge is to find the HIPO tasks and work on those first.

The HIPO strategies:

• Setting a deadline increases the chances that you will accomplish a task.

• Setting a specific time to do something increases the chances that you will accomplish it.

• Divide and conquer: Break a task into smaller pieces and it becomes easier to complete.

• Motivate yourself by listing the benefits of completing a task.

• Motivate yourself in another way by rewarding yourself for completing a task.

The LOPO strategies:

• Don’t do it at all.

• Do it later.

• Do it with minimum time investment or at a lower standard.

Think of your own life. Can you identify five high-payoff and five low-payoff targets and the activities that contribute directly to each?

Identifying and writing down these items increases the chances that they will be accomplished.

Force Field Analysis

For every goal that you set, there are conditions (forces) that encourage its completion. There are also conditions that discourage its completion.

The Force Field Analysis process helps you identify two kinds of forces: (1) the forces that are pushing with you as you work toward your goal (encouraging forces), and (2) the forces that are pushing against you (discouraging forces).

The process of force field analysis (developed by scientist Kurt Lewin) is based on a law of physics that says that when two equal but opposite forces push against one another, there is no movement.

Why is this important to a person working toward a goal? Because a similar dynamic can prevent you from achieving your goal.

The idea here is to avoid paralysis and encourage momentum by increasing positive (encouraging) forces and decreasing negative (discouraging) forces. For example:

Goal: Run in a marathon in 2002.

Discouraging forces:

• I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.

• I tend to start projects and then get bored quickly.

• I live in the Midwest and weather can be a problem.

Encouraging forces:

• I am in good health.

• My neighbor is a runner and has encouraged me to take up the sport.

• My family thinks this is a good idea.

After identifying as many encouraging as discouraging forces, you can map a strategy to build on your strengths-the forces in your favor-and reduce the barriers.

I encourage you to choose a goal of your own and make a list of the encouraging and discouraging forces. This will help you develop an action plan and increase your chances of success.

Your Action Plan

Once you have identified the forces that both favor and discourage the achievement of your goal, it’s time to make an action plan. Here is an example:

Force: I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.

Actions I can take:

1. Start slowly.

2. Map out a plan where I start with a 20-minute walk this Saturday morning.

3. Buy a running magazine.

4. Visit a few running web sites.

5. Straighten up the room where my exercise bike has been serving as a clothes rack. Clear away the junk and move a TV in to encourage me to use the bike every other morning.

Who can help me:

1. My neighbor, the runner.

2. My family members will encourage me. I well tell them that I need this.

3. The woman in the next cubicle started an exercise program last year.

Now it’s your turn. Just fill in the blanks.

Force:

Actions I can take:

Who can help me:

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, empathy, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

March 15, 2016 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

Anger is a poisonous emotion that comes from being hurt. When you are consumed with anger and bitterness, it hurts you at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It is as if you are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved, they can begin to eat you up inside. You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you by keeping these poisonous feelings alive, or to let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold forgiveness, think about who is actually being hurt. It is more than likely that the person who is filled with anger and anxiety is you, not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful feelings.

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not excusing their behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated or continued.

When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from them.

Forgiveness can only take place because we have the ability to make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use it whenever we wish. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either.

Steps to Forgiveness

The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

1. Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down, because it hurts to feel them. In the long run, denying these feelings only causes you more pain and actually prolongs the hurt.

2. Express your feelings constructively. No matter how badly you were treated or how angry you are, it is never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral third party to talk to until you feel calmer toward the person who hurt you.

3. Depending on the situation, the person who hurt you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is important to protect yourself from being harmed again.

4. At some point, you will see that you are harmed by holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can take up space in your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You may feel physically ill. This is when you will be ready to make the decision to stop hurting.

5. Be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This will help you develop compassion, which will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person. Use his or her words to explain the hurtful things that were done to you. This takes you out of the victim role and helps you restore your power.

6. It is not necessary to know why the hurtful behavior happened. Even if you do learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better. Chances are, the person who harmed you isn’t sure why they did it either.

7. Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t blame yourself; rather, forgive yourself for the role you played.

8. Recall a time when you caused harm to another person, and that person forgave you. Remember what the guilt felt like. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.

9. Make a list of the actions you need to forgive. Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what happened, as objectively as possible.

10. Make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship with the person who hurt you. There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have participated in it. This helps you regain some perspective and not paint the picture in completely negative terms.

11. Write a letter to the person who harmed you. This letter is for your healing; you do not need to mail it. Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings, both positive and negative.

12. If you have decided to end your relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter and the list, or you may visualize some kind of ending.

13. Sometimes the person you need to forgive is you. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made the mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

14. Make the forgiveness tangible. You may choose to send the letter to the person you are forgiving or tell a trusted friend what you have done.

Once you have let go of the pain and released yourself form past hurts, you will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Now you are free to move on with your life without bitterness and resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.

Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Psychotherapy, self awareness

You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills

March 15, 2016 SouthTampaMarriageTherapy Leave a comment

Any professional counselor will tell you that one of the biggest problems they see among their clients is poor listening skills. People get into trouble in their relationships because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Effective Communication

There are some good reasons why many people are less-than-effective communicators. These are the most common reasons:

• Lack of skill; not knowing how

• Not taking the time to think through what one wants to say

• Not taking the time to anticipate what another person might be thinking and feeling

• Fear of revealing too much of oneself

• Being afraid of another person’s anger

• Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings

Four Key Listening Skills

Listening skills are the building blocks of effective communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as hearing and understanding the other person. Four key listening skills are open-ended questions, summary statements, reflective statements, and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to learn with a little practice.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

• These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

• Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what they think or know.

• These questions are designed to encourage the other person to talk.

• They are useful when the other person is silent, or reluctant to elaborate.

• They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Examples of open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about what she said?”

“Tell me all about this new project.”

“What do you think about the new offices?”

Summary statements sum up what you hear the other person is saying.

• A summary statement enhances the other person’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

• It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

• It helps the other person clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

• Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

• They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

• Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Examples of summary statements:

“So you’re saying you want to go to the library and the bookstore before you decide which books you need. Then you want to go over your choices with me.”

“You’re saying that you tried your best on this homework assignment, but it was beyond your control.”

Reflective statements rephrase what you heard the person say and reflect it back.

• A reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that you were listening carefully.

• It shows the other person that you take them seriously and want to understand what they are feeling.

• It helps you clarify whether you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

Examples of reflective statements:

“You feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon after such a good visit.”

“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”

“You sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish the project on time.”

Neutral questions and phrases get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

• These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

• They help the other person understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

• They further communication because they help you gain more information.

• When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening.

Examples of neutral questions and phrases:

“Give me some more reasons why we should buy the computer now rather than in January.”

“Tell me more about why you want to take this job.”

Try Your Hand at Using Listening Skills

Here are some common life situations where good listening skills would come in handy. Read each one and think about which of the four listening skills would help the most. Write an example of what you could say to the other person to validate his or her feelings and encourage further expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on the back page of this newsletter.

1. Your spouse returns from an important business trip. He is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”