Category Archives: self awareness

What Makes You Procrastinate?

All of us procrastinate on occasion. For some people, it’s a chronic problem; for others, it’s only a problem in certain life areas. Procrastination is always frustrating because it results in wasted time, lost opportunities, disappointing work performance, and generally feeling bad about yourself.

When you procrastinate, you allow less important tasks to take up the time and space that should be devoted to more important things. You do things like hanging out with friends when you know that an important work project is due soon, or going shopping instead of doing your homework. It can also be evident in behavior such as talking about trivial things with your partner to avoid discussing important issues in your relationship.

Most people don’t have a problem finding time for things they want to do. But once they see a task as too difficult, painful, boring, or overwhelming, the procrastination behaviors begin. You are not alone if you have ever made any of the following excuses to yourself:

    1.    It’s too cold to exercise outside today. I’ll wait until tomorrow when it’s warmer.

    2.    I’ve got too many other things to do first.

    3.    I’ll do a better job when I can concentrate on this project.

    4.    I still have lots of time to get this done.

    5.    They don’t pay me enough to do a more complete job. This is good enough.

    6.    This problem is too hard to talk about. I wouldn’t know where to start.

    7.    I work better under pressure.

    8.    It’s too noisy to work while my teenager is at home.

    9.    I should get the shopping down now because the stores will be more crowded later.

    10.    I can eat this pie tonight, because I’m starting my diet tomorrow.

    11.    My tooth doesn’t really hurt that much. The pain will probably go away tomorrow.

Most of the time, these excuses seem fairly innocuous. However, they’re not as innocent as they seem, because they cause us to postpone important duties and projects. Ultimately, these excuses can keep us from accomplishing important goals and make us feel bad about ourselves.

Why People Procrastinate

If you were hoping for a simple answer to this puzzle, you will be disappointed to learn that there are many reasons why people put things off. Here are a few of the most common (check those that apply to you):

   Avoiding discomfort. Wanting to avoid pain makes lots of people shift into procrastination mode. However, the longer we delay, the worse the uncomfortable problem usually becomes. The rash gets bigger, the tooth hurts more, or the brakes squeak even more loudly.

   Perfectionism. Those who believe they must produce the perfect report may obsess about uncovering every last information source and then write draft after draft. Their search for the perfect product takes up so much time that they miss their deadline.

   Laziness. Sometimes people delay tasks that involve fairly slight inconvenience or minor discomfort.

    Thinking you’re not good enough. Some people are certain that they are incompetent. They think that they will fail, and procrastinate to avoid ever putting their skills to the test.

    Self-doubt. If you second-guess yourself, you probably suffer from procrastination. You may avoid new challenges and opportunities unless you are certain that you will succeed. Perhaps you make feeble attempts to begin a project, and you tell yourself that you could do a better job if you put in more effort.

   Workaholism. At the other end of the spectrum, many people who work excessively also fall into this category. They drive themselves ruthlessly, fearing that if they stop working, they will not be able to start again. Most self-doubters are driven by the belief that they must meet strict standards in order to see themselves as successful.

Physics Review

Remember the concept of inertia: a mass at rest tends to stay at rest.

For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going.

Why Don’t We Just Say No?

Since procrastination produces mostly negative outcomes, why don’t we just change our behavior and eliminate these undesirable consequences? The reason for this is that procrastination reinforces itself. For some reason, it is more difficult for most humans to start change than to keep it going. We avoid getting started by cleverly diverting our attention from the things we really should be doing. We do something else instead or make up a story about how we will accomplish the task in the future-when we are inspired, or when we have completed a preliminary step, or some other trick.

Although recognizing how these diversions work won’t automatically cure your procrastination, being aware of it is a good place to start working on the problem. Once you are aware of the ways that you procrastinate, you can start to change your behavior. In my next newsletter, I’ll offer some tips to help you get started. Until then, begin the change process by thinking about which causes apply to you and writing down examples of these behaviors as you observe them.

Journaling For Self Discovery

33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you’re not sure where to start:

1.    Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2.    Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3.    Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4.    Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5.    Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6.    Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7.    For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8.    Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9.    Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10.    Describe how your life would be different if _____ had or had not happened.

    Here are some examples:

a.     If your parents had divorced

b.     If your parents had remained married

c.     If your parents had been married

d.     If your mother hadn’t passed away

e.     If you hadn’t moved to

f.     If you had gone to college

g.     If you hadn’t gone to college

h.     If you had gone to      College

i.     If you had never met

j.     If you hadn’t broken up with

11.     Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12.     Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13.     Write about your junior year in high school.

14.     Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15.     Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16.     Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17.     Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18.     Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19.     Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20.     Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a.     What your life is like now

b.     What you have learned since you were 10

c.     What you want him or her to know

d.     What you want him or her to beware of

e.     What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21.     Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22.     Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn’t appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23.     Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24.     Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25.     Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26.     For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a.     Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening

b.     Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening

c.     Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27.     Write about the five things you most like to do.

28.     Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29.     Make a list of five places you’d like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30.     Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31.     Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32.     Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

33.     Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

34.     Add your own ideas here:

Life Balance

It is important to balance aspects of life by taking one step at a time. One of the most important things to remember is to set aside specific times to accomplish tasks. Getting more organized, setting specific times for doing tasks, and achieving a schedule will help individuals attain diminutive tasks throughout every day duties. Learning time management skills is definitely a way to help one accomplish goals.

Many people who claim to be victims of psychological or physiological effects of stress may have been able to deal more efficiently with the stressors by using different coping skills. Because we can not always change and manipulate stress nor our external realities, sometimes changing one’s outlook on life greatly affects the way an individual deals with and views stressors. For example, an individual who has a positive outlook, is physically fit, and in touch with many of the dimensions of her being may be able to make a connection by really listening to her body and focusing what her body may be trying to telling her. It is important that people know the avenues to use while dealing with and preventing stress. Massage therapy, accupuncture, yoga, and meditation may be a few ways to help individuals make the connection to life balance . I’ve learned that I really hold tension in my shoulders. So, when I am stressed out I try and work on releasing the tension in this area of my body. Deep relaxation may be another way to manage stress. I have actually written a few of my own meditations to practice.

The basic difference between constructive and destructive reactions to stress is that destructive reactions are maladaptive and constructive reactions are usually more effective.

Examples of destructive reactions are:

1.      Defensive Behavior

2.      Using Drugs and Alcohol

3.      Burnout

             Examples of constructive reactions are:

1.      Changing Self Defeating Thoughts and Messages

2.      Acquiring A Sense of Humor

3.      Utilizing Tips for Managing Stress

Take Charge of Your Life

It is important to have goals because they are good for your physical and mental health. You can have goals for all areas of your life. Here are a few ideas:

Career    Learning

Clubs    Money

Community    Politics

Contribution    Professional

Emotional    Reading

Family    Relationships

Health    Service

Home    Spiritual

Interests    Travel

What Makes an Effective Goal?

Not all goals are motivating. If a goal is too vague, hard to measure, or impossible to achieve, it will lack effectiveness and ultimately be a wasted exercise. Goal statements should be:

    Stated with action verbs

    Specific

    Measurable

    Challenging

    Written down, with completion dates

Effective goals have all five ingredients.

The 80/20 Rule

The 80/20 Rule (also known as Pareto’s Principle) says that 20% of what we do produces 80% of the results. Here are a few examples:

    20% of the area in your house requires 80% of the cleaning.

    20% of the stocks in an investor’s portfolio produce 80% of the results.

    20% of the kids in a class cause 80% of the problems.

    20% of the books in a bookstore account for 80% of the sales.

You can probably think of a few examples of your own. Note them here:

It’s important to remind yourself not to get bogged down on low-value activities, but to stay focused on the high-value 20%.

High-Payoff Planning

High-payoff (HIPO) time is the 20% that produces the desired results. Low-payoff (LOPO) time is the 80% that produces only 20% of the results. The challenge is to find the HIPO tasks and work on those first.

The HIPO strategies:

    Setting a deadline increases the chances that you will accomplish a task.

    Setting a specific time to do something increases the chances that you will accomplish it.

    Divide and conquer: Break a task into smaller pieces and it becomes easier to complete.

    Motivate yourself by listing the benefits of completing a task.

    Motivate yourself in another way by rewarding yourself for completing a task.

The LOPO strategies:

    Don’t do it at all.

    Do it later.

    Do it with minimum time investment or at a lower standard.

Think of your own life. Can you identify five high-payoff and five low-payoff targets and the activities that contribute directly to each?

Identifying and writing down these items increases the chances that they will be accomplished.

Force Field Analysis

For every goal that you set, there are conditions (forces) that encourage its completion. There are also conditions that discourage its completion.

The Force Field Analysis process helps you identify two kinds of forces: (1) the forces that are pushing with you as you work toward your goal (encouraging forces), and (2) the forces that are pushing against you (discouraging forces).

The process of force field analysis (developed by scientist Kurt Lewin) is based on a law of physics that says that when two equal but opposite forces push against one another, there is no movement.

Why is this important to a person working toward a goal? Because a similar dynamic can prevent you from achieving your goal.

The idea here is to avoid paralysis and encourage momentum by increasing positive (encouraging) forces and decreasing negative (discouraging) forces. For example:

Goal: Run in a marathon in 2002.

Discouraging forces:

    I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.

    I tend to start projects and then get bored quickly.

    I live in the Midwest and weather can be a problem.

Encouraging forces:

    I am in good health.

    My neighbor is a runner and has encouraged me to take up the sport.

    My family thinks this is a good idea.

After identifying as many encouraging as discouraging forces, you can map a strategy to build on your strengths-the forces in your favor-and reduce the barriers.

I encourage you to choose a goal of your own and make a list of the encouraging and discouraging forces. This will help you develop an action plan and increase your chances of success.

Your Action Plan

Once you have identified the forces that both favor and discourage the achievement of your goal, it’s time to make an action plan. Here is an example:

Force: I haven’t exercised regularly for the past five years.

Actions I can take:

1.    Start slowly.

2.    Map out a plan where I start with a 20-minute walk this Saturday morning.

3.    Buy a running magazine.

4.    Visit a few running web sites.

5.    Straighten up the room where my exercise bike has been serving as a clothes rack. Clear away the junk and move a TV in to encourage me to use the bike every other morning.

Who can help me:

1.    My neighbor, the runner.

2.    My family members will encourage me. I well tell them that I need this.

3.    The woman in the next cubicle started an exercise program last year.

Now it’s your turn. Just fill in the blanks.

Force:

Actions I can take:

1.

2.

3.

4.

Who can help me:

1.

2.

3.

4.

How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

Anger is a poisonous emotion that comes from being hurt. When you are consumed with anger and bitterness, it hurts you at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It is as if you are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved, they can begin to eat you up inside. You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you by keeping these poisonous feelings alive, or to let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold forgiveness, think about who is actually being hurt. It is more than likely that the person who is filled with anger and anxiety is you, not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful feelings.

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not excusing their behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated or continued.

When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from them.

Forgiveness can only take place because we have the ability to make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use it whenever we wish. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either.

Steps to Forgiveness

The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

1.    Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down, because it hurts to feel them. In the long run, denying these feelings only causes you more pain and actually prolongs the hurt.

2.    Express your feelings constructively. No matter how badly you were treated or how angry you are, it is never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral third party to talk to until you feel calmer toward the person who hurt you.

3.    Depending on the situation, the person who hurt you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is important to protect yourself from being harmed again.

4.    At some point, you will see that you are harmed by holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can take up space in your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You may feel physically ill. This is when you will be ready to make the decision to stop hurting.

5.    Be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This will help you develop compassion, which will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person. Use his or her words to explain the hurtful things that were done to you. This takes you out of the victim role and helps you restore your power.

6.    It is not necessary to know why the hurtful behavior happened. Even if you do learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better. Chances are, the person who harmed you isn’t sure why they did it either.

7.    Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t blame yourself; rather, forgive yourself for the role you played.

8.    Recall a time when you caused harm to another person, and that person forgave you. Remember what the guilt felt like. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.

9.    Make a list of the actions you need to forgive. Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what happened, as objectively as possible.

10.    Make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship with the person who hurt you. There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have participated in it. This helps you regain some perspective and not paint the picture in completely negative terms.

11.    Write a letter to the person who harmed you. This letter is for your healing; you do not need to mail it. Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings, both positive and negative.

12.    If you have decided to end your relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter and the list, or you may visualize some kind of ending.

13.    Sometimes the person you need to forgive is you. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made the mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

14.    Make the forgiveness tangible. You may choose to send the letter to the person you are forgiving or tell a trusted friend what you have done.

Once you have let go of the pain and released yourself form past hurts, you will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Now you are free to move on with your life without bitterness and resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.

You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills

Any professional counselor will tell you that one of the biggest problems they see among their clients is poor listening skills. People get into trouble in their relationships because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Effective Communication

There are some good reasons why many people are less-than-effective communicators. These are the most common reasons:

    Lack of skill; not knowing how

    Not taking the time to think through what one wants to say

    Not taking the time to anticipate what another person might be thinking and feeling

    Fear of revealing too much of oneself

    Being afraid of another person’s anger

    Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings

Four Key Listening Skills

Listening skills are the building blocks of effective communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as hearing and understanding the other person. Four key listening skills are open-ended questions, summary statements, reflective statements, and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to learn with a little practice.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

    These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

    Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what they think or know.

    These questions are designed to encourage the other person to talk.

    They are useful when the other person is silent, or reluctant to elaborate.

    They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Examples of open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about what she said?”

“Tell me all about this new project.”

“What do you think about the new offices?”

Summary statements sum up what you hear the other person is saying.

    A summary statement enhances the other person’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

    It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

    It helps the other person clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

    Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

    They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

    Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Examples of summary statements:

“So you’re saying you want to go to the library and the bookstore before you decide which books you need. Then you want to go over your choices with me.”

“You’re saying that you tried your best on this homework assignment, but it was beyond your control.”

Reflective statements rephrase what you heard the person say and reflect it back.

    A reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that you were listening carefully.

    It shows the other person that you take them seriously and want to understand what they are feeling.

    It helps you clarify whether you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

Examples of reflective statements:

“You feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon after such a good visit.”

“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”

“You sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish the project on time.”

Neutral questions and phrases get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

    These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

    They help the other person understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

    They further communication because they help you gain more information.

    When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening.

Examples of neutral questions and phrases:

“Give me some more reasons why we should buy the computer now rather than in January.”

“Tell me more about why you want to take this job.”

Try Your Hand at Using Listening Skills

Here are some common life situations where good listening skills would come in handy. Read each one and think about which of the four listening skills would help the most. Write an example of what you could say to the other person to validate his or her feelings and encourage further expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on the back page of this newsletter.

1.    Your spouse returns from an important business trip. He is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

2.    Your coworker says, “I really wish I didn’t have to go to that conference next week. I know I have to, but I wish I could get out of it somehow. I don’t like traveling, I hate being away from my family, and I resent having to spend time kissing up to those field people!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

3.    “I wish I could just stay home and garden today,” your spouse says.

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

4.    You are 20 minutes late to pick up your son for a soccer game. There was no way you could let him know you were going to be late. When you arrive, he opens the car door and glares at you. He growls, “I thought you’d be on time for once!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

5.    Your business partner wants to stay in your present office space, which you have outgrown. You want to look for a bigger place. She says, “It makes me so nervous to make such a big commitment! And what if we don’t like it in the new place? I think we should just stay where we are.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

Suggested Answers to Listening Skills Exercise

Lots of different listening skills would be effective in each of the five situations. Here are some suggested answers:

1.    Open-ended question: “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

2.    Reflective statement: “You sound frustrated and upset about having to go to the conference.”

3.    Reflective statement: “You really love gardening because it’s so relaxing.”

4.    Reflective statement: “You are really upset with me for being late, aren’t you?”

5.    Summary statement: “You’re afraid that we’ll be in over our heads and will think it’s a mistake.”

12 Rules for Constructive Communication

Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

1.    Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:

You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”

I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”

2.    Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:

Observations: neutral statements of fact

Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

3.    Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:

Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”

Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”

4.    Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.

5.    Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:

“You are such a complete slob.”

“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”

Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”

Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:

    Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.

    It involves blame.

    Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).

    Criticisms attack the other person personally.

    It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.

6.    Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.

7.    Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.

Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”

Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”

8.    Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:

    Rolling your eyes

    Crossing your legs and arms

    Tapping your foot

    Clenching your teeth

9.    Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

    Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.

    Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.

    Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:

“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”

“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”

“We can work this out. We’re partners.”

10.    Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.

11.    Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:

    Denying responsibility (I did not!)

    Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)

    Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)

    Saying Yes, but…

    Whining

    Rolling your eyes or making a face

12.    Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.

Divorce Recovery Strategies

As a licensed mental health professional, I work with many individuals, couples, and families who are affected by divorce. I have developed this list of survival strategies for people who are experiencing divorce. If you or someone you love is in this situation, I hope these ideas will help you.

1.    Take your time as you adjust to your changed life circumstances. Recognize that you are going through a major life transition that cannot be rushed.

2.    Set up temporary arrangements to help you get through the changes involved in your divorce process.

3.    You will often feel frustrated. Avoid the temptation of acting for the sake of acting just because it gives you a temporary feeling of being in control.

4.    When you feel uncomfortable, slow down and identify what you are feeling and why.

5.    Don’t force any more changes on yourself than are necessary.

6.    Explore both the benefits and costs of your new life.

7.    Think about the future. In your journal, explore the question, “What is waiting to happen in my life now?”

8.    Remember to ask yourself, “What am I supposed to learn from this?”

9.    Protect yourself against the inevitable forgetfulness and absent-mindedness which many divorcing people report. Make a list of important account numbers, telephone numbers, and the like, and keep them in a safe place.

10.    Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from the divorce and the changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

11.    Let people help you.

    If it’s impossible to reciprocate, say so.

    People know that your life isn’t like it used to be.

    Don’t let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

12.    Let go of your need for perfection. You will not survive emotionally unless you lower your expectations.

13.    Develop your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

14.    Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

15.    Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

16.    Simplify everything in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

17.    Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

18.    Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don’t have time for it and it’s not necessary.

19.    Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don’t waste your emotions on it.

20.    Create a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

21.    Learn to be assertive. You can’t say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22.    Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23.    Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, “I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?”

24.    Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren’t around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25.    Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26.    In your private journal, make a list of all the things you’re afraid of.

27.    In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

If you have children:

28.    Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle.

    Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce and life in a single-parent home.

    Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do.

    Take your child’s developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

29.    Make it okay for your children to talk to you about their feelings.

30.    Keep appropriate boundaries.

    Don’t give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

    Let your children be children.

    Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce.

    Find another adult to be your sounding board.

31.    Even though you may be unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

32.    Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don’t assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to divorce by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

33.    While it is important to listen and accept your children’s feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

34.    Keep a private journal where you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won’t find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear—all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

35.    Remind yourself that recovering from divorce will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

36.    Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

Resolving Conflicts in Relationships

Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.

Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:

1.    Disagreements over who should do what

2.    Disagreements over how things should be done

3.    Conflicts of personality and style

Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict

Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:

1.    Avoid the conflict.

2.    Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.

3.    Change the subject.

4.    React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.

5.    Find someone to blame.

6.    Make excuses.

7.    Let someone else deal with it.

All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.

Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict

The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:

1.    Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.

2.    Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.

3.    Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.

4.    Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.

5.    Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.

Active Listening

Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.

Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.

Here are some examples of active-listening statements:

“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”

“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”

“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”

“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”

“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”

“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.

Benefits of Active Listening

If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:

1.    It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.

2.    Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.

3.    Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.

General Tips for Managing Conflict

1.    Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.

2.    Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”).

3.    Soften your tone.

4.    Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).

5.    Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).

6.    Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).

7.    Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.

Preventing Conflicts

Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:

1.    Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.

2.    Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.

3.    Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.

Relationship Checkup

Most adults engage in long-term relationships, including marriage and other committed partnerships. Nearly everyone experiences difficulties in their marriage or committed relationship from time to time, but some people seem more prepared to anticipate these hard times and respond to them more skillfully than others.

The Relationship Checkup is a list of 11 points that will help you evaluate your relationship. These points are based on recent research completed separately by psychologists Judith Wallerstein and John Gottman (see Suggested Reading, last page). Check off the statements that apply to your relationship, and you will quickly gain a sense of the strengths and the opportunities for improvement.

1.    People in successful, long-lasting relationships invested themselves fully in the relationship. While they have positive relationships with their parents, siblings, and other relatives, they are not overly involved with them. Some signs that you have a healthy relationship with your family (not too close, not too distant) include:

    Your families visit when invited.

    Their visits are short but satisfying.

    You speak with family members by phone, but not too often.

    Family members give advice when they are asked.

The following are some signs that your family may be too involved in your life. This can create problems in your relationship over time.

    Your family members visit too often.

    They stay too long.

    They telephone frequently.

    They give unsolicited advice.

    They drop in unannounced.

2.    People in successful relationships have their own identity as a couple. There is a feeling of both togetherness and independence in the relationship. If you have developed an identity as a couple, the following things are most likely true:

    You feel loyal toward each other.

    You listen carefully to each other.

    You know each other’s histories.

    You pay attention to each other’s moods and body language.

    You share your thoughts and feelings.

    You allow each other a private space and don’t intrude on it.

    You respect each other as separate, autonomous people.

If you have not fully developed your sense of identity as a couple, you will recognize signs like these:

    You are sometimes disloyal toward each other.

    You don’t listen carefully to each other.

    You don’t know very much about each other’s pasts.

    You ignore each other’s moods and body language.

    You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourselves.

    You sometimes invade each other’s private space.

    Even though you may live in the same house, it sometimes seems like you are living parallel lives.

3.    Bringing children into a relationship changes it radically. Couples with children learn to successfully integrate them into their relationship. Positive signs include:

    You accept that there are times when you must place your own needs after the needs of your child.

    You do your best to stay in touch with each other emotionally and nurture your relationship.

    You set aside time every week for the two of you to spend time alone together.

The following signs indicate that you have not fully integrated children into your relationship:

    You resent the times when you must put your child’s needs ahead of your own.

    You are overly focused on your child.

    You have lost touch with each other emotionally.

    You hardly ever find time to be alone with your partner.

4.    Every relationship is challenged by crises and life transitions. Losing a job, a death in the family, a serious accident, or other significant event can test any relationship. If your relationship has successfully navigated life’s crises and transitions, the following statements are most likely true:

    You never blame each other for the stress that comes with the crisis.

    You face difficult times as a team.

    You look for ways to support each other emotionally.

    You help each other keep your perspective when there is a crisis.

    You seek outside support during times of crisis (talking to friends and family, seeing a counselor, etc.).

If the crises and life transitions have done harm to your relationship, you have probably experienced the following during the difficult times:

    One partner seems to emotionally abandon the other.

    One partner blames the other.

    One partner becomes extremely angry, worried, or anxious.

    You don’t seek support from people who could help you.

5.    Successful relationships are safe places where anger, conflict, and differences may safely be expressed. Each partner is allowed to have and express their own views. The following signs point to this being true:

    You have had serious conflicts, but you have not allowed them to damage your relationship.

    You respect the other person’s right to stand his or her ground.

    You may find anger uncomfortable, but you accept that it is a part of life.

In relationships where it is not safe to express conflict, the following things are true:

    Your conflicts have harmed your relationship.

    You disagree about many things but never talk about them.

    You both try to intimidate the other into agreeing with your point of view.

    Anger is so uncomfortable that you avoid it.

    There are no limits to what you will do when you become angry.

6.    Successful long-term relationships have a positive sexual component. The partners take care to protect their sexual relationship from the demands of work and family. The signs of such a relationship are:

    You sometimes have different levels of sexual need, but you make room for each other’s changing levels of desire.

    You are honest with each other about your changing sexual desires and feelings.

    You set aside time for your sexual relationship and protect your privacy.

If a sexual relationship is less than satisfying, the following statements are true:

    You find it hard to talk about sex.

    Sex is like a battlefield.

    You never have time for sex.

7.    Successful partners share laughter and fun times, and work to maintain their mutual interests. For example:

    You have fun together.

    You make each other laugh.

    You find each other interesting.

    You each have your own interests that you pursue on your own.

If your relationship is becoming stale, you will tend to describe it like this:

    You rarely have fun together anymore.

    You don’t laugh much when you are together.

    You are bored with each other.

    You avoid spending time together.

    You have few shared interests.

8.    Relationships that last are safe places where you can let down your guard and be vulnerable. You know you can count on the other to comfort and encourage you. If this is true, you might describe it as follows:

    It is okay to be vulnerable when you are with your partner.

    You understand each other.

    You encourage each other.

    You pay attention to each other’s moods and respond when the other seems needy.

If your relationship is not a very safe place, the following is probably true:

    It is not safe to be needy and vulnerable in your relationship.

    You exhaust each other’s emotional reserves.

    You don’t pay attention to each other’s moods.

    When you are worried about something, you avoid telling your partner.

    You feel worse about yourself when you are with your partner.

9.    People who have successful long-term relationships stay romantic and idealistic about each other, even though they are growing older. These are some of the signs of such a relationship:

    You have good memories of when you fell in love with your partner.

    You are glad to be growing older with your partner.

If you have lost some of the romance of your relationship, you are likely to agree with these statements:

    You can hardly remember the days when the two of you first fell in

love.

    Seeing your partner grow older makes you feel badly because it reminds you that you are growing older.

10.    You have far more positive moments in your relationship than negative ones. Some signs of positive moments include:

    You show affection for each other.

    You apologize for the hurtful things you may say or do.

    You show each other empathy.

    You are polite to each other.

Examples of negative moments include:

    Your discussions often leave you feeling frustrated.

    You often pick on each other.

    Many of your conversations turn into arguments.

    You behave disrespectfully toward each other.

    You are physically violent with each other.

11.    People in successful relationships are able to manage conflict productively. They are skilled at keeping times of discord from getting out of control. For example:

    You call a time-out when your emotions escalate.

    You know how to calm yourselves down.

    You take care to speak and listen nondefensively.

    You take care to validate the other person’s point of view, even when you disagree with it.

Couples in less successful relationships allow conflict to become damaging in the following

ways:

    You blame each other.

    You treat each other disrespectfully.

    You deny responsibility for your own actions.

    You become so angry that you leave or emotionally withdraw.

Number of items you checked in the nonshaded areas:

Number of items you checked in the shaded areas:

Ideally, you checked no items in the shaded areas. If you checked more than five, you have some opportunities to improve your relationship. As a beginning, you may wish to read books about these issues. You may also wish to make an appointment for a free consultation with one of our professional counselors and develop a relationship-building plan. You will find additional relationship-building tips on our web site.