Tag Archives: divorce

journaling, Life Transitions, midlife, Parenting, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness, self discovery, self expression, Work Life Balance

Journaling For Self Discovery

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33 Ways to Use Your Journal for Self-Discovery and Self-Expression

As a therapist, I often suggest to clients that they explore their feelings and thoughts by keeping a journal. Sometimes clients ask for a bit of direction with this process. Here are some journaling ideas if you’re not sure where to start:

1.    Write down what happened today and how you felt about it.

2.    Write a letter to a person you are angry with. Say everything you are feeling and wish you had the nerve to say.

3.    Draw a picture of the person you wrote the letter to in #2.

4.    Make a list of all the things you are grateful for. List all the big things, all the small things, and everything in between that you can think of.

5.    Circle the three most important things on the list you made in #4. Write a paragraph for each, expressing your appreciation to the person who had the most influence over it. If possible, turn this into an actual letter and send it.

6.    Make a list of the things that you feel upset about right now. Write down as many as you can think of until you can’t think of any more. Then choose the top five.

7.    For each of the top five things you identified in #6, list 10 things you can do to gain control of the situation. Circle the top three from each list.

8.    Make a timeline that represents your life. Fill it in with the most significant events that have shaped you: your early years, your teen years, and each decade that has followed. Draw pictures or icons next to the most important events. Use crayons or markers if you wish.

9.    Write a few pages about your feelings about the timeline.

10.    Describe how your life would be different if _____ had or had not happened.

    Here are some examples:

a.     If your parents had divorced

b.     If your parents had remained married

c.     If your parents had been married

d.     If your mother hadn’t passed away

e.     If you hadn’t moved to

f.     If you had gone to college

g.     If you hadn’t gone to college

h.     If you had gone to      College

i.     If you had never met

j.     If you hadn’t broken up with

11.     Make a list of all the things you wish you could do before your life is over.

12.     Make a list of the things no one knows about you.

13.     Write about your junior year in high school.

14.     Write about what life was like before you became a parent.

15.     Write about what you wish you had known before you became a parent.

16.     Make a list of the things you still want to learn about being a parent.

17.     Describe what it was like when you first met your partner.

18.     Write about what you wish you had known about your partner before you married him/her.

19.     Write about what you wish your partner had known about you before (s)he married you.

20.     Write a letter to yourself as you were at age 10. Tell yourself:

a.     What your life is like now

b.     What you have learned since you were 10

c.     What you want him or her to know

d.     What you want him or her to beware of

e.     What you want him or her to enjoy every moment of

21.     Write a letter to your own parents. Tell them what your life is like now.

22.     Write a letter to someone from your childhood or adolescence who didn’t appreciate you or who misunderstood you. Tell the person what you want them to know and how you feel about the lack of connection between you.

23.     Think of someone you never acknowledged for something important. Write that person a letter and acknowledge him or her.

24.     Think of someone who never acknowledged you for something important. Write them a letter and tell them what you want them to know.

25.     Make a list of five miracles you want to happen in the coming year. Write a paragraph or two describing each one and how your life will be better if it happens.

26.     For each of the five miracles, make a list of:

a.     Five barriers or forces that block or prevent it from happening

b.     Five positive influences, things that encourage or support its happening

c.     Five things you can do to reduce the barriers and strengthen the positive influences

27.     Write about the five things you most like to do.

28.     Write about the five things you most dislike doing.

29.     Make a list of five places you’d like to visit. Describe what you imagine them to be like.

30.     Write about three things you most regret doing or not doing. Describe what happened and how you feel about it.

31.     Write a letter to your children, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

32.     Write a letter to your grandchildren, even if they have not yet been born. Tell them what you want them to know about you.

33.     Write a letter to your descendants one hundred years from now. Describe what your life is like today.

34.     Add your own ideas here:

Conflict Resolution, Depression, Divorce, Financial Issues, Grief, Marriage and family therapy, Parenting

Single-Parent Survival Skills

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Emotional Overload

Many single parents say they deal with a variety of emotional issues that you might describe as “extra baggage.” Some examples include:

•    Self-pity

•    Depression

•    Guilt

•    Anger

•    Envy

•    Fear

•    Severe money problems

•    Loneliness and isolation

•    Frustration

•    Exhaustion

These issues present such a challenge because they undermine your daily functioning and emotional well-being. But they can be managed successfully so that you manage your family in a positive way.

10 Ways to Speed Your Recovery Process

Becoming divorced or widowed and then facing years of single parenting is a shock to anyone who experiences it. You will need to take steps to recover and heal. Here are some suggestions:

1.    Some community based programs, Online groups, churches, synagogues, counseling centers, and therapists offer free and low-cost divorce recovery workshops and grief support groups. Look for them in the newspaper and Yellow Pages. If you don’t see any listed, call a few places that may be able to refer you.

2.    Look for local peer support groups and networks.

3.    If you have access to the Internet, search for support services in your area.

4.    Also on the Internet, look for chat rooms or bulletin boards where single parents post messages and share ideas.

5.    Find library books for kids about divorce and single-parent families, and read them together. Take the time to talk about how they relate to your situation and encourage your kids to talk about their feelings.

6.    Find a support group for children of divorce.

7.    Tell your children’s teachers and the school psychologist that you are a single-parent family. Let them know that you welcome feedback and suggestions on coping with your circumstances.

8.    When you are ready, investigate groups like Parents Without Partners for single adults. You need to be with other adults who have similar interests.

9.    Learn to help your kids talk about what is happening to them.

10.    Learn conflict resolution and problem-solving skills.

Single-Parent Survival Strategies

In addition to recovering from the loss of a partner, you will need to take action to survive and thrive in the coming years. The following strategies provide a starting place.

1.    Watch out for too many changes in your life as you recover from both the loss of your spouse and the resulting changes in your life circumstances. Change causes stress, and you have enough right now.

2.    Realize and accept that you must get help with your single-parenting responsibilities. It is unrealistic to think that you can do it alone.

3.    Manage your own emotions so you will be able to help your child manage his or her struggle. Learn as much as you can about how children respond to divorce, the death of a parent, or life in a single-parent home. Do not expect your child to respond the same way you do. Take your child’s developmental stage into consideration when responding to his or her behavior.

4.    Give your children permission to talk to you about their feelings.

5.    Keep appropriate boundaries.

•    Don’t give in to the temptation to let your child take care of you.

•    Let your children be children.

•    Avoid burdening them with your feelings and the facts of the divorce or death of your spouse.

•    Find another adult to be your sounding board.

6.    Let people help you.

•    If it is impossible to reciprocate, say so.

•    People know that your life isn’t like it used to be.

•    Don’t let your inability to reciprocate prevent you from accepting what people willingly offer.

7.    Let go of your need for perfection. You will have much more stress if you don’t lower your expectations.

8.    Even though you are unable to be present as much as in the past, your children still need adult supervision. Look for ways for other adults to look in on your kids when they are home alone, even when they are teenagers.

9.    Just because your child appears to be handling his or her emotions well, don’t assume that he or she is okay. Some kids respond to parent loss by becoming overly responsible or by closing down their emotions. They may need to hear, “Tell me how you’re feeling.”

10.    While it is important to listen and accept your children’s feelings, it is equally important to set limits on behavior.

11.    Cultivate your ability to be flexible and find creative ways to solve problems.

12.    Learn to set priorities. Do the most important things first.

13.    Trust your gut feelings. Pay attention to your instincts and act on them.

14.    Simplify as many things as possible in your life. You cannot afford to keep it complicated.

15.    Find an outlet for your anger. If a friend is not available, look for a minister, rabbi, or professional counselor. If money is an issue, look for a therapist who will see you for a low fee.

16.    Teach yourself to let go of guilt. You don’t have time for it, and it’s not necessary.

17.    Focus on issues you have control over. If something is beyond your control, don’t waste your emotions on it.

18.    Create a ritual to mark the change in your circumstances. This could be a funeral for your spouse or a ceremony to acknowledge your divorce.

19.    Keep a private journal in which you express your feelings. Be sure to keep it in a private place where your children won’t find it. A journal provides a place to express anger, sadness, loneliness, and fear—all of those feelings you feel every day as a single parent.

20.    Remind yourself that recovering from divorce or the death of a spouse will take time. Your recovery will happen on its own schedule, and it will happen. You will get through this intact.

21.    Learn to be assertive. You can’t say yes to every request, whether it is from your family members or people in the community who want your time and resources. If you give it all away, you will have nothing left for yourself.

22.    Find ways to take care of your body. Get regular checkups and make time to exercise. You need rest now more than ever. Watch your alcohol intake.

23.    Find someone who will listen to you. Sometimes you have to ask, for example, “I need a sounding board right now. Can I have 15 minutes of your time?”

24.    Rent a sad movie and let yourself cry (when the kids aren’t around). Crying allows you to release the sadness that you are sure to feel.

25.    Do at least one fun thing for yourself every week.

26.    In your private journal, make a list of all the things you’re afraid of.

27.    In your private journal, make a list of all the things you worry about.

28.    Get together with other single-parent families. Sharing times with people facing similar issues can make you feel normal.

Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Life Transitions, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, relationship, self awareness

Should You Leave Your Relationship?

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How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to a relationship? In any intimate relationship—especially in a marriage—it’s not a good idea to let a doomed partnership drag on, simply to avoid the pain of a breakup.

Signs of Trouble

There are some warning signs that your relationship is in trouble. If you recognize any of these signals in your own partnership, you may have some work to do to get things back on track.

1.    Your life priorities have changed significantly. Major life changes often force people to reconsider what’s important, and this can make a once-healthy partnership lose its bearings. A near-death experience such as a serious accident or illness, being unexpectedly fired from a job, or losing a family member can cause anyone to reevaluate his or her life and decide to make some changes. Everything looks different after such an experience, and some things lose their meaning. When this happens, these new ways of seeing things must be addressed, since it’s unlikely that such changes will just disappear.

2.    The arrangement still works, but the passion is missing. Lots of doomed relationships manage to work—for a while. But when neither partner has any genuine enthusiasm for the relationship, it may be in trouble.

3.    You no longer trust your partner. After a partner has broken the bond of trust, it can be difficult to get it back. If your partner has had an affair or was irresponsible with a large amount of money, it is understandable that you feel angry and hurt. Over time, these wounds may not heal. Broken trust can cause serious harm to a relationship, and, if it is not healed, the relationship may not recover.

4.    Your partner’s lifestyle or values clash with yours. It is difficult to sustain a long-term relationship when you and your partner do not agree on some of life’s most basic things. If you want to make and save a lot of money, but your partner seeks a simple life and would be happy living in a small house with few luxuries, this is a potential problem. If your partner seeks excitement and wants to be around people most of the time but you are basically a loner who prefers solitude, you may find yourselves growing apart. You may have been attracted to each other in the beginning because you brought each other some balance, but, over the long term, the very things that drew you to each other may doom your relationship.

Deciding to end a relationship can have enormous implications. If you are married, have children, own a home, and share finances, leaving your partner can be very complicated and will affect everyone in the family. It is important to make such a decision thoughtfully and for the right reasons.

More Warning Signs

If your partner regularly does one or more of the following things, you have good reason to be concerned.

1.    Behaves abusively with your friends and family

2.    Betrays your trust

3.    Breaks promises

4.    Cheats on you

5.    Does not challenge you mentally

6.    Does not support your goals in life

7.    Is extremely jealous without cause

8.    Is not financially self-supporting

9.    Opposes or ignores your thoughts, feelings, or concerns

10.    Physically abuses you

11.    Pressures you to have sex when you are not interested

12.    Resists your attempts to improve the relationship

13.    Shares your secrets with others

14.    Tells lies regularly

15.    Threatens violence

16.    Tries to isolate you from your friends and family

17.    Verbally abuses you or puts you down

These behaviors are very serious and potentially dangerous to you. If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you in any of these ways, you should seriously consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional.

The Impact of Stress

Stress can make it harder to decide what to do. If you are questioning your relationship and have problems with money, are stressed at work, or the kids are acting up, deciding what to do becomes even more difficult. It’s important to take your time and resist the temptation to make a fast decision that may later turn out to be the wrong thing for you.

Tips for Making Good Relationship Decisions

1. Take your time making any important decision such as whether to end an important relationship. Even though you may feel confused and indecisive, it is important to recognize that this situation requires a deliberate and careful decision-making process.

2.    Making a relationship decision calls for both instinct and logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but don’t lose track of reason.

3.    Look at the issues from different points of view.

4.    Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each option (staying or leaving), including the impact of each on other people in your life.

5.    Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.

6.    Give your relationship every chance to get back on track before you call it quits. Ask yourself if you have really tried everything. If you have, and it still isn’t working, it may be time to move on.

Seeking Advice and Support

Involving a few trusted friends in your decision-making process can help you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision and hurry to get it over with. Consulting others helps you step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you reach a better decision about whether to end the relationship. This is true for relationships or any other kind of decision.

You may decide to work with a professional counselor or therapist during this process. This is strongly advised if you are in an abusive relationship. A licensed, experienced professional can help you sort out the issues, help you see things you may not be aware of, and give you feedback on how you are seeing things. Involving an objective outsider can be a smart move because you can feel free to say everything that is on your mind without worrying about offending someone you care about or being judged for your thoughts and feelings.

Finally, if you decide that the relationship should end, minimize the chances for emotional fallout by planning how, where, and when you will deliver the news. When making such an important change in your life, it is better to set aside spontaneity in favor of being slow, deliberate, and certain.