Tag Archives: listening skills

Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Psychotherapy, self awareness

You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills

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Any professional counselor will tell you that one of the biggest problems they see among their clients is poor listening skills. People get into trouble in their relationships because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Effective Communication

There are some good reasons why many people are less-than-effective communicators. These are the most common reasons:

•    Lack of skill; not knowing how

•    Not taking the time to think through what one wants to say

•    Not taking the time to anticipate what another person might be thinking and feeling

•    Fear of revealing too much of oneself

•    Being afraid of another person’s anger

•    Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings

Four Key Listening Skills

Listening skills are the building blocks of effective communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as hearing and understanding the other person. Four key listening skills are open-ended questions, summary statements, reflective statements, and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to learn with a little practice.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

•    These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

•    Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what they think or know.

•    These questions are designed to encourage the other person to talk.

•    They are useful when the other person is silent, or reluctant to elaborate.

•    They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Examples of open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about what she said?”

“Tell me all about this new project.”

“What do you think about the new offices?”

Summary statements sum up what you hear the other person is saying.

•    A summary statement enhances the other person’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

•    It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

•    It helps the other person clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

•    Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

•    They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

•    Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Examples of summary statements:

“So you’re saying you want to go to the library and the bookstore before you decide which books you need. Then you want to go over your choices with me.”

“You’re saying that you tried your best on this homework assignment, but it was beyond your control.”

Reflective statements rephrase what you heard the person say and reflect it back.

•    A reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that you were listening carefully.

•    It shows the other person that you take them seriously and want to understand what they are feeling.

•    It helps you clarify whether you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

Examples of reflective statements:

“You feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon after such a good visit.”

“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”

“You sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish the project on time.”

Neutral questions and phrases get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

•    These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

•    They help the other person understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

•    They further communication because they help you gain more information.

•    When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening.

Examples of neutral questions and phrases:

“Give me some more reasons why we should buy the computer now rather than in January.”

“Tell me more about why you want to take this job.”

Try Your Hand at Using Listening Skills

Here are some common life situations where good listening skills would come in handy. Read each one and think about which of the four listening skills would help the most. Write an example of what you could say to the other person to validate his or her feelings and encourage further expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on the back page of this newsletter.

1.    Your spouse returns from an important business trip. He is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

2.    Your coworker says, “I really wish I didn’t have to go to that conference next week. I know I have to, but I wish I could get out of it somehow. I don’t like traveling, I hate being away from my family, and I resent having to spend time kissing up to those field people!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

3.    “I wish I could just stay home and garden today,” your spouse says.

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

4.    You are 20 minutes late to pick up your son for a soccer game. There was no way you could let him know you were going to be late. When you arrive, he opens the car door and glares at you. He growls, “I thought you’d be on time for once!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

5.    Your business partner wants to stay in your present office space, which you have outgrown. You want to look for a bigger place. She says, “It makes me so nervous to make such a big commitment! And what if we don’t like it in the new place? I think we should just stay where we are.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

Suggested Answers to Listening Skills Exercise

Lots of different listening skills would be effective in each of the five situations. Here are some suggested answers:

1.    Open-ended question: “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

2.    Reflective statement: “You sound frustrated and upset about having to go to the conference.”

3.    Reflective statement: “You really love gardening because it’s so relaxing.”

4.    Reflective statement: “You are really upset with me for being late, aren’t you?”

5.    Summary statement: “You’re afraid that we’ll be in over our heads and will think it’s a mistake.”

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, empathy, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness

12 Rules for Constructive Communication

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Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

1.    Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:

You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”

I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”

2.    Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:

Observations: neutral statements of fact

Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

3.    Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:

Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”

Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”

4.    Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.

5.    Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:

“You are such a complete slob.”

“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”

Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”

Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:

•    Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.

•    It involves blame.

•    Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).

•    Criticisms attack the other person personally.

•    It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.

6.    Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.

7.    Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.

Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”

Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”

8.    Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:

•    Rolling your eyes

•    Crossing your legs and arms

•    Tapping your foot

•    Clenching your teeth

9.    Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

•    Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.

•    Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.

•    Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:

“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”

“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”

“We can work this out. We’re partners.”

10.    Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.

11.    Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:

•    Denying responsibility (I did not!)

•    Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)

•    Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)

•    Saying Yes, but…

•    Whining

•    Rolling your eyes or making a face

12.    Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.