Category Archives: Couples Counseling

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, empathy, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

How to Forgive Another Person for Past Hurts

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No one gets through life without being hurt by another person. We all have experienced the pain of a thoughtless remark, gossip, or lie. If you have experienced an unhappy marriage, the devastation of infidelity, or suffered physical or emotional abuse, you know what it feels like to be hurt. It is tempting to hold on to these feelings and build a wall of safety around yourself, but the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt you.

What Is Forgiveness?

When you forgive another person, you no longer allow their behavior to cause you anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. When you choose not to forgive, you make the choice to hold on to your feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Why Should I Forgive?

Think of forgiveness as a gift that you give to yourself. It is not something you do for the person who hurt you. It is a gift to yourself because it enables you to stop feeling painful feelings and pushing others away. Forgiveness frees you from anger and allows you to restore your ability to have close and satisfying relationships with others.

Anger is a poisonous emotion that comes from being hurt. When you are consumed with anger and bitterness, it hurts you at least as much as it hurts the person who has harmed you. It is as if you are filled with poison. If these feelings are not resolved, they can begin to eat you up inside. You have two choices: to stay connected to the person who hurt you by keeping these poisonous feelings alive, or to let the feelings go and forgive the person who harmed you. When you withhold forgiveness, think about who is actually being hurt. It is more than likely that the person who is filled with anger and anxiety is you, not the other person.

What Forgiveness Is Not

Forgiving another does not mean you will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt you. The hurtful experience will be in your memory forever. By forgiving, you are not pretending the hurtful behavior never happened. It did happen. The important thing is to learn from it while letting go of the painful feelings.

Forgiveness is not about right or wrong. It doesn’t mean that the person’s behavior was okay. You are not excusing their behavior or giving permission for the behavior to be repeated or continued.

When you forgive another, it does not mean you wish to continue your relationship with them. This is a separate decision. You can forgive a person and live your life apart from them.

Forgiveness can only take place because we have the ability to make choices. This ability is a gift that we can use it whenever we wish. We have the choice to forgive or not to forgive. No other person can force us to do either.

Steps to Forgiveness

The experience of forgiveness is a process. Since each situation is unique, it is impossible to predict how long it will take or which steps will be the most important to carry out. Here are some ideas for beginning the process:

1.    Acknowledge your feelings of anger and hurt. Sometimes it seems like it might be easier to deny the feelings or push them back down, because it hurts to feel them. In the long run, denying these feelings only causes you more pain and actually prolongs the hurt.

2.    Express your feelings constructively. No matter how badly you were treated or how angry you are, it is never acceptable to harm anyone else. You may need to find a neutral third party to talk to until you feel calmer toward the person who hurt you.

3.    Depending on the situation, the person who hurt you may still be a danger to you, physically or emotionally. It is important to protect yourself from being harmed again.

4.    At some point, you will see that you are harmed by holding on to feelings of hurt and anger. These feelings can take up space in your psyche and intrude on your sense of well-being. You may feel physically ill. This is when you will be ready to make the decision to stop hurting.

5.    Be willing to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. This will help you develop compassion, which will eventually replace the feelings of anger. One helpful technique is to write a letter to yourself as if you were the other person. Use his or her words to explain the hurtful things that were done to you. This takes you out of the victim role and helps you restore your power.

6.    It is not necessary to know why the hurtful behavior happened. Even if you do learn the reason, you probably won’t feel any better. Chances are, the person who harmed you isn’t sure why they did it either.

7.    Think about the part you played in the situation. Don’t blame yourself; rather, forgive yourself for the role you played.

8.    Recall a time when you caused harm to another person, and that person forgave you. Remember what the guilt felt like. Then, remember what you felt when the other person forgave you. You probably felt grateful and relieved. Remember how this felt and consider giving this same gift to the person who hurt you.

9.    Make a list of the actions you need to forgive. Describe the specific actions that caused you harm. State what happened, as objectively as possible.

10.    Make a list of the positive aspects of your relationship with the person who hurt you. There must have been something positive, or you wouldn’t have participated in it. This helps you regain some perspective and not paint the picture in completely negative terms.

11.    Write a letter to the person who harmed you. This letter is for your healing; you do not need to mail it. Describe the positive aspects of the relationship and express your forgiveness for the hurtful behaviors. Express all of your feelings, both positive and negative.

12.    If you have decided to end your relationship with the person you have forgiven, have a ceremony to symbolize it. You may wish to burn the letter and the list, or you may visualize some kind of ending.

13.    Sometimes the person you need to forgive is you. You can begin to forgive yourself by realizing that when you made the mistake, you did not set out deliberately to hurt another person. If you had known how to make better choices, you would have. You did the best you could at the time.

14.    Make the forgiveness tangible. You may choose to send the letter to the person you are forgiving or tell a trusted friend what you have done.

Once you have let go of the pain and released yourself form past hurts, you will most likely feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Now you are free to move on with your life without bitterness and resentment. You no longer need to look back on your past with anger.

Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Infidelity, midlife

Recovering from an Affair

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Infidelity is more common than most people realize. In fact, it is estimated that 60% of men and 40% of women today will have an extramarital affair during their marriage. I decided to learn as much as I could about it so I could help my clients prevent it, or recover from it when it has already happened. In this newsletter, I will explore the forces that lead to infidelity and what must happen for couples to heal.

Forms of Infidelity

Infidelity takes many forms. Some people have sequential affairs—a series of one-night stands or short affairs. These affairs involve very little emotional investment and may be rationalized as harmless. There is always the danger of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. When such behavior continues for several years and finally is discovered, it is difficult to heal the years of deceit.

Other affairs are discrete events. These also involve minimal emotional investment.

Sometimes affairs last longer and become more serious. These affairs may be quite romantic and sexual. Sometimes they grow into more serious relationships and may last for years.

Why Affairs Happen

Infidelity happens for many reasons. Here are a few of the common explanations:

1.    An affair may be a response to a crisis such as the death of someone important, moving to a new city, a job change, or some other kind of life transition.

2.    Sometimes people become bored with their partners and seek sexual or emotional excitement with someone new. The new person seems to supply the excitement that has been missing.

3.    Stressful times in the family life cycle lead some to seek escape in an affair. This includes things like taking care of aging parents, raising teenagers, and becoming new parents.

4.    People sometimes look for outside relationships because their expectations of marriage have not been satisfied.

5.    Some people seek outside relationships when their partners are emotionally unavailable because of illness.

6.    Other people begin affairs because they seek more affection than their partner can provide.

7.    Other people seek professional or social advancement.

There are also many social reasons why affairs happen: factors that exist in our society that lead many of us to expect a fantasy version of marriage that could never really exist. When marriage doesn’t live up to this expectation, some of us keep looking for it outside of marriage.

Signs of Infidelity

The following signs indicate that your partner may be unfaithful. These are things that people have noticed before discovering that their partners were having affairs. None of the items by themselves mean that infidelity is about to happen, but they may be cause for concern if they are part of a larger pattern that is causing concern. These may apply to either men or women partners.

1.    He has recently lost weight.

2.    She has changed her hair color or hairstyle.

3.    He begins wearing a different style of underwear.

4.    She pays more attention to her clothing and appearance than she did in the past.

5.    He begins using a different brand of soap or shampoo.

6.    She uses breath mints, when she didn’t use them in the past.

7.    He stops wearing his wedding ring.

8.    She wears more jewelry than she used to.

9.    He buys a sports car.

10.    She changes the position of the passenger car seat.

11.    One number is repeated on the cellular phone bill.

12.    He doesn’t leave a number where he can be reached.

13.    She gives vague answers about where she will be.

14.    He has sudden work obligations that keep him from attending family events.

15.    She begins attending more conferences.

16.    He has more business dinners than he used to.

17.    She has an extra key on her key ring.

18.    He has restaurant matchbooks in his pocket.

19.    There is lipstick or makeup on his shirt.

20.    She often makes excuses to go out alone.

21.    He goes for more workouts at the gym.

22.    She smells like she just took a shower.

23.    He seems emotionally distant or preoccupied.

24.    She seems less interested in family activities.

25.    He changes his sexual behavior, wanting either more or less.

26.    You have a gut feeling that something is wrong.

Common Reactions to Infidelity

People who are involved in relationships in which their partner has been unfaithful say they have a wide range of reactions. These are a few of the common ones:

1.    A physical reaction, such as feeling like you have been punched in the stomach.

2.    Denying that anything is wrong.

3.    Blaming yourself (I didn’t pay enough attention to her; I wasn’t sexy enough for him; I let myself get too fat, etc.).

4.    Blaming your partner (I can’t believe anything she says)

5.    Blaming the relationship (We were too young; We were wrong for each other; We had different values, etc.).

6.    Blaming the lover (It’s all his fault; If it weren’t for him); transferring anger from one’s spouse to one’s lover.

Other Consequences of Infidelity

In addition to the emotional impact of infidelity, there may also be other consequences: sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy, problems at work, and loss of relationships.

Recovery Strategies

Even though infidelity has a devastating impact on marriages, many do survive. Let’s look at what it takes for a relationship to recover.

If You Were Unfaithful

If you had the affair and want to save your marriage:

1.    Stop the affair and tell the truth about it.

2.    Make the choice to practice fidelity.

3.    Understand your partner’s need to ask questions and understand what happened.

4.    Spend plenty of time with your family.

5.    Find a therapist and explore what has happened in your marriage.

6.    Expect to reassure your partner of your commitment to the marriage.

7.    Listen carefully to your partner and accept his or her feelings and thoughts.

8.    Admit that you were wrong. Write a letter to your partner and admit everything. Let it all out.

9.    Make amends. Identify what it would take for you to deserve forgiveness. Then, do it.

If Your Partner Was Unfaithful

If your partner had the affair and you want to save your marriage:

1.    Acknowledge your anger and express it productively.

2.    Be aware of distorted thoughts that may fuel your anger.

3.    Watch out for negative beliefs that may make it harder for you to heal your relationship.

4.    Find a way to explore and express your feelings, such as writing in a journal or working with a professional therapist.

5.    Explore the advantages and disadvantages of saving your marriage.

6.    Establish a safe environment where you can learn about what happened.

7.    When you are ready, create a ritual for letting go of the anger and forgiving.

Prevention Steps

Finally, what are some things you can do to protect your marriage and keep it from becoming an infidelity statistic?

1.    Pay attention to your partner. Be aware of his or her needs and do your best to meet them.

2.    Think about how you behaved when you were trying to win your partner over. Do the same things now.

3.    Make sex fun.

4.    Look for opportunities to talk and listen.

5.    Be thoughtful and romantic. Send cards, flowers, gifts.

6.    Avoid high-risk situations. Discuss these with your partner and ask him or her to do the same.

7.    Be polite to your partner.

8.    Say nice things about your partner, in public and in private.

9.    Spend regular private time together.

10.    Greet your partner when he or she comes home.

11.    Show that you are glad to see your partner. Be energized and pleasant.

12.    Recommit to your values. Make the decision to live in keeping with what you believe is right.

13.    Accept that you are responsible for your own well-being.

14.    Be proactive about nurturing your marriage. This relationship is your most important investment; give it the time and attention it deserves.

15.    Look for ways to express appreciation and respect.

16.    Think of ways to enhance your partner’s self-esteem.

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, self awareness

Resolving Conflicts in Relationships

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Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.

Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:

1.    Disagreements over who should do what

2.    Disagreements over how things should be done

3.    Conflicts of personality and style

Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict

Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:

1.    Avoid the conflict.

2.    Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.

3.    Change the subject.

4.    React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.

5.    Find someone to blame.

6.    Make excuses.

7.    Let someone else deal with it.

All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.

Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict

The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:

1.    Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.

2.    Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.

3.    Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.

4.    Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.

5.    Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.

Active Listening

Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.

Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.

Here are some examples of active-listening statements:

“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”

“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”

“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”

“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”

“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”

“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.

Benefits of Active Listening

If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:

1.    It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.

2.    Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.

3.    Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.

General Tips for Managing Conflict

1.    Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.

2.    Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”).

3.    Soften your tone.

4.    Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).

5.    Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).

6.    Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).

7.    Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.

Preventing Conflicts

Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:

1.    Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.

2.    Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.

3.    Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Family Fun, Financial Issues, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, Work Life Balance

How to Balance Work and Family Life

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What Is Your Definition of Success?

If you want to create balance in your life, it is important to know how you define success. The following list is a place to start. Cross off those that don’t seem important to you and add your own. Next, identify which of the items on your list are the most essential to your success definition and which items present the greatest challenge to you.

1.    Being able to move on when a situation is no longer productive or positive

2.    Being satisfied with your work situation

3.    Enjoying the present, not putting off the good things until some time in the future

4.    Expressing your creativity

5.    Fulfilling your potential

6.    Holding yourself with esteem separately from your work

7.    Being authentic

8.    Identifying your values and basing your choices on them

9.    Managing your money well

10.    Not feeling envious of others

11.    Paying attention to your spiritual life

12.    Spending time in fun ways away from your workplace

13.    Spending time with people you cherish and enjoy

14.    Taking good care of yourself

15.    Understanding when to fight for something and when to give in

What would you add? Which items present the greatest challenge to you?

The 80/20 Rule

The 80/20 Rule, also known as the Pareto Principle, says that 20% of what we do produces 80% of the results. Some examples of this principle are:

•    20% of the people sell 80% of the widgets.

•    20% of the salespeople earn 80% of the commission.

•    20% of the parts in your car cause 80% of the breakdowns.

•    20% of the members of an organization do 80% of the work.

The 80/20 principle can help anyone create balance in their life. Here’s how:

1.    Identify the times when you are most happy and productive (i.e., the 20% that produces the 80%) and increase them as much as possible.

2.    Identify the times when you are least happy and productive (i.e., the 80% that produces the 20%), and reduce them as much as possible.

Your Seven Habits of Success

You have probably heard of Stephen Covey’s Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. As you create balance in your life, think about your own list of success habits. What seven things would lead to more happiness in your life if you did them every day? Here are some ideas to get you started:

1.    Do something you love doing for at least part of the day.

2.    Get some physical exercise.

3.    Get some mental exercise.

4.    Stimulate yourself artistically.

5.    Stimulate yourself spiritually.

6.    Do something for someone else.

7.    Do something just for fun.

8.    Acknowledge yourself for something you said or did.

What ideas would you add?

Dealing with Workaholism

What if a person needs more than just self-help in dealing with a lack of balance in work and family life? An organization called Workaholics Anonymous can help.

Workaholics Anonymous is a 12-step recovery program similar to Alcoholics Anonymous. It is a “fellowship of individuals who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from workaholism. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop working compulsively.”

How Do You Know if You Are a Workaholic?

Ask yourself these questions if you think you might be a workaholic:

1.    Are you more comfortable talking about work than anything else?

2.    Do you become impatient with people who do things besides work?

3.    Do you believe that more money will solve the other problems in your life?

4.    Do you get irritated when people ask you to stop working and do something else?

5.    Do you get more energized about your work than about anything else, including your personal relationships?

6.    Do you look for ways to turn your hobbies into money-making endeavors?

7.    Do you often worry about the future, even when work is going well?

8.    Do you take on extra work because you are concerned that it won’t otherwise get done?

9.    Do you take work home with you? Do you work on days off? Do you work while you are on vacation?

10.    Do you think about your work while driving, falling asleep, or when others are talking?

11.    Do you think that if you don’t work hard you will lose your job or be considered a failure?

12.    Do you work more than 40 hours in a typical week?

13.    Do you work or read while you are eating?

14.    Have your long hours hurt your family or other relationships?

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

Relationship Checkup

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Most adults engage in long-term relationships, including marriage and other committed partnerships. Nearly everyone experiences difficulties in their marriage or committed relationship from time to time, but some people seem more prepared to anticipate these hard times and respond to them more skillfully than others.

The Relationship Checkup is a list of 11 points that will help you evaluate your relationship. These points are based on recent research completed separately by psychologists Judith Wallerstein and John Gottman (see Suggested Reading, last page). Check off the statements that apply to your relationship, and you will quickly gain a sense of the strengths and the opportunities for improvement.

1.    People in successful, long-lasting relationships invested themselves fully in the relationship. While they have positive relationships with their parents, siblings, and other relatives, they are not overly involved with them. Some signs that you have a healthy relationship with your family (not too close, not too distant) include:

    Your families visit when invited.

    Their visits are short but satisfying.

    You speak with family members by phone, but not too often.

    Family members give advice when they are asked.

The following are some signs that your family may be too involved in your life. This can create problems in your relationship over time.

    Your family members visit too often.

    They stay too long.

    They telephone frequently.

    They give unsolicited advice.

    They drop in unannounced.

2.    People in successful relationships have their own identity as a couple. There is a feeling of both togetherness and independence in the relationship. If you have developed an identity as a couple, the following things are most likely true:

    You feel loyal toward each other.

    You listen carefully to each other.

    You know each other’s histories.

    You pay attention to each other’s moods and body language.

    You share your thoughts and feelings.

    You allow each other a private space and don’t intrude on it.

    You respect each other as separate, autonomous people.

If you have not fully developed your sense of identity as a couple, you will recognize signs like these:

    You are sometimes disloyal toward each other.

    You don’t listen carefully to each other.

    You don’t know very much about each other’s pasts.

    You ignore each other’s moods and body language.

    You keep your thoughts and feelings to yourselves.

    You sometimes invade each other’s private space.

    Even though you may live in the same house, it sometimes seems like you are living parallel lives.

3.    Bringing children into a relationship changes it radically. Couples with children learn to successfully integrate them into their relationship. Positive signs include:

    You accept that there are times when you must place your own needs after the needs of your child.

    You do your best to stay in touch with each other emotionally and nurture your relationship.

    You set aside time every week for the two of you to spend time alone together.

The following signs indicate that you have not fully integrated children into your relationship:

    You resent the times when you must put your child’s needs ahead of your own.

    You are overly focused on your child.

    You have lost touch with each other emotionally.

    You hardly ever find time to be alone with your partner.

4.    Every relationship is challenged by crises and life transitions. Losing a job, a death in the family, a serious accident, or other significant event can test any relationship. If your relationship has successfully navigated life’s crises and transitions, the following statements are most likely true:

    You never blame each other for the stress that comes with the crisis.

    You face difficult times as a team.

    You look for ways to support each other emotionally.

    You help each other keep your perspective when there is a crisis.

    You seek outside support during times of crisis (talking to friends and family, seeing a counselor, etc.).

If the crises and life transitions have done harm to your relationship, you have probably experienced the following during the difficult times:

    One partner seems to emotionally abandon the other.

    One partner blames the other.

    One partner becomes extremely angry, worried, or anxious.

    You don’t seek support from people who could help you.

5.    Successful relationships are safe places where anger, conflict, and differences may safely be expressed. Each partner is allowed to have and express their own views. The following signs point to this being true:

    You have had serious conflicts, but you have not allowed them to damage your relationship.

    You respect the other person’s right to stand his or her ground.

    You may find anger uncomfortable, but you accept that it is a part of life.

In relationships where it is not safe to express conflict, the following things are true:

    Your conflicts have harmed your relationship.

    You disagree about many things but never talk about them.

    You both try to intimidate the other into agreeing with your point of view.

    Anger is so uncomfortable that you avoid it.

    There are no limits to what you will do when you become angry.

6.    Successful long-term relationships have a positive sexual component. The partners take care to protect their sexual relationship from the demands of work and family. The signs of such a relationship are:

    You sometimes have different levels of sexual need, but you make room for each other’s changing levels of desire.

    You are honest with each other about your changing sexual desires and feelings.

    You set aside time for your sexual relationship and protect your privacy.

If a sexual relationship is less than satisfying, the following statements are true:

    You find it hard to talk about sex.

    Sex is like a battlefield.

    You never have time for sex.

7.    Successful partners share laughter and fun times, and work to maintain their mutual interests. For example:

    You have fun together.

    You make each other laugh.

    You find each other interesting.

    You each have your own interests that you pursue on your own.

If your relationship is becoming stale, you will tend to describe it like this:

    You rarely have fun together anymore.

    You don’t laugh much when you are together.

    You are bored with each other.

    You avoid spending time together.

    You have few shared interests.

8.    Relationships that last are safe places where you can let down your guard and be vulnerable. You know you can count on the other to comfort and encourage you. If this is true, you might describe it as follows:

    It is okay to be vulnerable when you are with your partner.

    You understand each other.

    You encourage each other.

    You pay attention to each other’s moods and respond when the other seems needy.

If your relationship is not a very safe place, the following is probably true:

    It is not safe to be needy and vulnerable in your relationship.

    You exhaust each other’s emotional reserves.

    You don’t pay attention to each other’s moods.

    When you are worried about something, you avoid telling your partner.

    You feel worse about yourself when you are with your partner.

9.    People who have successful long-term relationships stay romantic and idealistic about each other, even though they are growing older. These are some of the signs of such a relationship:

    You have good memories of when you fell in love with your partner.

    You are glad to be growing older with your partner.

If you have lost some of the romance of your relationship, you are likely to agree with these statements:

    You can hardly remember the days when the two of you first fell in

love.

    Seeing your partner grow older makes you feel badly because it reminds you that you are growing older.

10.    You have far more positive moments in your relationship than negative ones. Some signs of positive moments include:

    You show affection for each other.

    You apologize for the hurtful things you may say or do.

    You show each other empathy.

    You are polite to each other.

Examples of negative moments include:

    Your discussions often leave you feeling frustrated.

    You often pick on each other.

    Many of your conversations turn into arguments.

    You behave disrespectfully toward each other.

    You are physically violent with each other.

11.    People in successful relationships are able to manage conflict productively. They are skilled at keeping times of discord from getting out of control. For example:

    You call a time-out when your emotions escalate.

    You know how to calm yourselves down.

    You take care to speak and listen nondefensively.

    You take care to validate the other person’s point of view, even when you disagree with it.

Couples in less successful relationships allow conflict to become damaging in the following

ways:

    You blame each other.

    You treat each other disrespectfully.

    You deny responsibility for your own actions.

    You become so angry that you leave or emotionally withdraw.

Number of items you checked in the nonshaded areas:

Number of items you checked in the shaded areas:

Ideally, you checked no items in the shaded areas. If you checked more than five, you have some opportunities to improve your relationship. As a beginning, you may wish to read books about these issues. You may also wish to make an appointment for a free consultation with one of our professional counselors and develop a relationship-building plan. You will find additional relationship-building tips on our web site.

Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Life Transitions, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, relationship, self awareness

Should You Leave Your Relationship?

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How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to a relationship? In any intimate relationship—especially in a marriage—it’s not a good idea to let a doomed partnership drag on, simply to avoid the pain of a breakup.

Signs of Trouble

There are some warning signs that your relationship is in trouble. If you recognize any of these signals in your own partnership, you may have some work to do to get things back on track.

1.    Your life priorities have changed significantly. Major life changes often force people to reconsider what’s important, and this can make a once-healthy partnership lose its bearings. A near-death experience such as a serious accident or illness, being unexpectedly fired from a job, or losing a family member can cause anyone to reevaluate his or her life and decide to make some changes. Everything looks different after such an experience, and some things lose their meaning. When this happens, these new ways of seeing things must be addressed, since it’s unlikely that such changes will just disappear.

2.    The arrangement still works, but the passion is missing. Lots of doomed relationships manage to work—for a while. But when neither partner has any genuine enthusiasm for the relationship, it may be in trouble.

3.    You no longer trust your partner. After a partner has broken the bond of trust, it can be difficult to get it back. If your partner has had an affair or was irresponsible with a large amount of money, it is understandable that you feel angry and hurt. Over time, these wounds may not heal. Broken trust can cause serious harm to a relationship, and, if it is not healed, the relationship may not recover.

4.    Your partner’s lifestyle or values clash with yours. It is difficult to sustain a long-term relationship when you and your partner do not agree on some of life’s most basic things. If you want to make and save a lot of money, but your partner seeks a simple life and would be happy living in a small house with few luxuries, this is a potential problem. If your partner seeks excitement and wants to be around people most of the time but you are basically a loner who prefers solitude, you may find yourselves growing apart. You may have been attracted to each other in the beginning because you brought each other some balance, but, over the long term, the very things that drew you to each other may doom your relationship.

Deciding to end a relationship can have enormous implications. If you are married, have children, own a home, and share finances, leaving your partner can be very complicated and will affect everyone in the family. It is important to make such a decision thoughtfully and for the right reasons.

More Warning Signs

If your partner regularly does one or more of the following things, you have good reason to be concerned.

1.    Behaves abusively with your friends and family

2.    Betrays your trust

3.    Breaks promises

4.    Cheats on you

5.    Does not challenge you mentally

6.    Does not support your goals in life

7.    Is extremely jealous without cause

8.    Is not financially self-supporting

9.    Opposes or ignores your thoughts, feelings, or concerns

10.    Physically abuses you

11.    Pressures you to have sex when you are not interested

12.    Resists your attempts to improve the relationship

13.    Shares your secrets with others

14.    Tells lies regularly

15.    Threatens violence

16.    Tries to isolate you from your friends and family

17.    Verbally abuses you or puts you down

These behaviors are very serious and potentially dangerous to you. If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you in any of these ways, you should seriously consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional.

The Impact of Stress

Stress can make it harder to decide what to do. If you are questioning your relationship and have problems with money, are stressed at work, or the kids are acting up, deciding what to do becomes even more difficult. It’s important to take your time and resist the temptation to make a fast decision that may later turn out to be the wrong thing for you.

Tips for Making Good Relationship Decisions

1. Take your time making any important decision such as whether to end an important relationship. Even though you may feel confused and indecisive, it is important to recognize that this situation requires a deliberate and careful decision-making process.

2.    Making a relationship decision calls for both instinct and logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but don’t lose track of reason.

3.    Look at the issues from different points of view.

4.    Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each option (staying or leaving), including the impact of each on other people in your life.

5.    Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.

6.    Give your relationship every chance to get back on track before you call it quits. Ask yourself if you have really tried everything. If you have, and it still isn’t working, it may be time to move on.

Seeking Advice and Support

Involving a few trusted friends in your decision-making process can help you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision and hurry to get it over with. Consulting others helps you step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you reach a better decision about whether to end the relationship. This is true for relationships or any other kind of decision.

You may decide to work with a professional counselor or therapist during this process. This is strongly advised if you are in an abusive relationship. A licensed, experienced professional can help you sort out the issues, help you see things you may not be aware of, and give you feedback on how you are seeing things. Involving an objective outsider can be a smart move because you can feel free to say everything that is on your mind without worrying about offending someone you care about or being judged for your thoughts and feelings.

Finally, if you decide that the relationship should end, minimize the chances for emotional fallout by planning how, where, and when you will deliver the news. When making such an important change in your life, it is better to set aside spontaneity in favor of being slow, deliberate, and certain.

Couples Counseling, Family Fun, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness

Pleasurable Activities List

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Sometimes participating in activities that make you feel good is a great way to distract and sooth yourself from painful emotions and distress. Try to engage in these activities on a daily basis and get in the habit of regulating your emotions in a positive and fun way. You may choose to keep a journal and write down a pleasurable activity that you choose to do each day. This may help you practice being mindful, present, and self-aware. Exercise is also important because your body naturally releases endorphins which are you bodies natural painkillers. These are the same painkillers that are released when you cut yourself. Please add to this list and mark the activities that you engage in. Note how you feel before and after each activity and especially note how you feel after completing activities for a whole week! Be aware of obstacle and note ways to overcome any obstacles that may keep you from engaging in pleasurable activities!

 

Pleasurable Activities List

• Go for a Walk

• Read

• Meditate

• Spa

• Library

• Bookstore

• Yoga

• Go to a Cafe

• Take a Class of Interest

• Arts and Crafts

• Sew or Knit

• Museum

• Paint

• Write a Letter to a Loved One

• Go to your Place of Worship

• Volunteer

• Help a Neighbor

• Study a Language

• Join a Group or Club

• www.Meetup.com

• Write a Poem

• Write a Story

• Go to the Beach

• Go for a Bike Ride

• Go Surfing

• Call a Friend or Relative

• Go to the Mall

• Write a Letter to a Loved

One Who has Passed

• Create a Music Compilation

• Make a Video

• Surf the Web

• Watch the Sunset

• Get or Give a Massage

• Take Photos

• Sing in a Local Choir

• Join a Local Theatre Group

• Participate in a Sporting

League

• Garden

• Enjoy the Outdoors

• Scrapbooking

• Manicure and Pedicure

• Bubble Bath or Shower

• Go Swimming

• Pray

• Get your Hair Done

• Fix Something That is Broken

• Organize

• Learn Something New

• Create a Self Portrait

• Make a Vision Plan

• Write in your Journal

• Write Down your Strengths and

Positive Qualities

• Make a To-Do List and Start it

• Make a List of People You

Admire and Why

• Make a Bucket List

• Join an Athletic Club

• Hang out with a Friend or

Relative

• Lay in the Sun with Sunscreen on

• Take Care of Pets

• Have a Picnic

• Take a Road Trip

• Go Jogging

• Daydream

• Go to a Party

• Have a BBQ

• Traveling

• Plan a Party

• Go Out for a Meal

• Get Some Work Done

• Read the Newspaper

• Write Down Goals and a Plan

to Accomplish Them

• Have a Quiet Evening or

Afternoon

• Play a Musical Instrument

• Self Hypnosis

• Relaxation Techniques

• Deep Breathing Exercises

• Read Affirmations

• Clean

• Picking up Trash

• Recycling

• Looking at Old Photos

• Dressing Up and Looking Nice

• Eating Comfort Foods in

Moderation

• Bowling

• Sending a Loved One a Card

• Send an Ecard

• Fantasizing

• Buy Something for Yourself

that is Within Your Budget

• Play a Computer Game

• Tell Someone that you Love

Him or Her

• Do Something Nice for

Someone

• Write a Love Letter

• Kissing

• Listening to Live Music

• Festivals

• Spend Time With Children

• Visit a Nursing Home

• Buy a Gift

• Play Cards

• CrossWord Puzzles

• Shoot Pool

• Horseback Riding

• Visit an Animal Shelter

• Make a List of Activities that

you used to enjoy and do

• Work on Your Car

• Exercise

• Flying a Kite

• Counseling Session

• Go to a Sporting Event

• Concert

• Hiking

• Acting

• Cooking

• Attend a Religious Service

• Internet Chat

• Hobby Activities

• Audio Book

• Collecting Items

• Eat a Treat

• Go to a Beautiful Place

• Sitting in a Peaceful Spot

• Being Held or Touched

• Play Frisbee

• Golf

• Pay Bills

• Laundry

• Decorate

• Water Plants

• Self Help Exercises

• Resolve a Conflict

• Going on a Date

• Memory Lane

• Planning a Career or Career

Change

• Simply Relaxing

• Lighting a Candle

• Burn Incense

• Laughing

• Thinking About Past Trips

• Sex

• Journal About Progress Made

Today

• Meet New People

• Networking

• Saving Money

• Go to the Gym

• Aerobics

• Pilates

• Imagine What it will be Like

When You Finish School or Other

Goal

• Buy and Sell Stocks and Shares

• Think About and Plan Retirement

• Family Get-Togethers

• Ride Motorcycle

• Masturbate

• Pick or Buy Fresh Flowers

• Go Camping

• Losing Weight

• Class Reunions

• Sailing

• Sketching

• Thinking about being an OK

person

• Ice Skating, Roller Skating,

Roller Blading

• Skateboarding

• Do Something Spontaneous

• Explore your Surrounding Areas

• Window Shopping

• Take a Short Nap

• Write a Book

• Make a Gift for Someone

• Entertaining

• Think About Getting Married

• Sightseeing

• Tennis, Raquetball

• Refinish Furniture

• Walk by the River or at Beach

• Thinking about How Much You

Have Going for You

• Exchange Emails

• Go Fishing

Pleasurable Activities List

www.SouthTampaTherapy.com • 813-240-3237 • ElizabethMahaney@msn.com

4

• Being Alone

• Having Lunch with a Friend

• Happy Childhood Thoughts

• Visualization Activities

• Stargazing

• Play Billiards, Darts

• Volleyball

• Play Cricket

• Bocce Ball, Patonk

• Solving Riddles

• Stretching

• Saying “I Love You”

• Saying “I am Sorry”

• Erotica books

• Rock Climbing Indoors or

Outdoors

• Hiking

• Being Active in the

Community

• Advocacy

• Going Green

• Woodworking

• Canoeing, Kayaking

• Thinking About How You

are a Person Who Can Cope

• Playing With Animals

• Rearrange Furniture

• Having Coffee or Tea (careful

of caffeine)

• Sauna or Steam Room

• Skiing

• Ballet, Tap, Jazz Dancing

• White-Water Rafting

• Get an Aquarium

• Adopt a Pet or Volunteer at a Shelter

• Home Improvement

• Imagine an Ideal Place

• Hot Tub, Jacuzzi

• Walk in Botanical Gardens

• Breath in Fresh Air

• Listen to Mediation CD

• Write Your Own Meditation

•

•

•

Pleasurable Activities List For KIDS

• Use List Above Too!

• Park

• MOSI

• Movies

• Yoga (class/ book/ home videos)

• Great Explorations (St. Pete)

• Library

• Visit family/ Friends

• Aquarium

• Kid City

• Play Dates

• Davis island

• Beach

• Busch Gardens

• Adventure Island

• Play sports

• Zoo

• Read

• Frisbee

• Mall Play Area

• Seedlings Store

• Bike Ride

• Wagon Ride

• Walk Dog

• Play Ball with Dogs

• Gymboree

• Swimming

• Arts and Crafts

• Water Balloons

• Play Dough

• Science Experiment

• Cook or Bake

• Sea World

• Play in the sprinkler/ Hose

• www.aplaypatch.com

• www.hcplc.org

• Computer Games

• Borders or Barnes and Noble

• Board Games

• Ultimate Play and Party Zone

• Bubbles

• Sidewalk Chalk

• Squirt Gun Battles

• State Parks

• Disney

• Color, Draw

• Dance

• Tea Party

• Sports

• Kids Meditations

• Make Pictures in Clouds

• Make a Pet Rock

• Gardening

• Brain Dance

www.braindance.com

• Puzzles

• Buy a New Toy

• Puppet Show

• Play Therapy Activities

• Play House

•

•

•

•

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Counseling, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

Facilitating Communication between Couples

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By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A., LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

Abstract

Communication is central to a healthy marriage.  Communication was ranked as the number one problem among couples in therapy (Hecker &Wetchler, 2003). There are several obstacles that can contribute to poor communication between couples. Research findings with regard to communication between couples tends to focus on distressed versus non-distressed couples.  Research findings also stress and focus on the importance of positive communication between couples. The main goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to increase the desired behavior or cognition and decrease the undesirable cognitions and behaviors. There are basically three main phases of goals to help the therapist facilitate communication between couples which include; early-phase, middle-phase, and late-phase. During the early-phase the therapist assesses each partner and gains information about how the couple interacts and communicates. Complimenting and highlighting the couple’s effective communication begins the process of shaping. The therapist could ask the couple to define the problem behavior, as well as determine if there are any unacceptable forms of communication between the partners. Next, during the middle-phase the therapist should focus on decreasing inappropriate communication and increasing suitable communication between the couple. Implementing cognitive behavior psycho-education allows the couple to gain knowledge and information about communication skills and techniques. The late-phase goal of therapy is when the therapist draws attention to the eradication of the conflicting communication styles and patterns and investigates problem-solving competence. Cognitive behavior therapy uses thought patterns to change moods and behaviors. With cognitive-behavior therapy, the therapist should be aware that nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal communication with regards to communication. Self-report scales as well as several different techniques, activities, and homework assignments may be utilized to assess communication problems in a couple’s relationship. Furthermore, in facilitating communication between couples the therapist should demonstrate the importance of using “I” messages. Multicultural issues intermingled with a lack of communication can add a heavy burden on couples. Effective communication is facilitated by a healthy relationship built on mutual respect. Couples from diverse backgrounds are usually faced with greater communication obstacles.

  

Manual: Facilitating Communication between Couples

With Cognitive Behavior Therapy

   

Introduction

Communication is central to a healthy marriage.  It is the main source of tranquility, love, and the continuity of a relationship. The absence of communication builds up to conflict, which could possibly end the relationship at hand.  Communication was ranked as the number one problems among couples in therapy (Hecker &Wetchler, 2003).  Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of communication, we still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. This does not mean you are clueless as a person.  It means that more attention is required on your part, so that you can become more open and invite the many forms of communication that exist.  Hence, you will be able to understand yourself and your partner more adequately.

There is nothing that keeps a relationship healthy better than understanding.  Once you start becoming more familiar with your communicating styles, as well as your partners, you will be able to work better as a team in making the best of your relationship.  Effective communication cannot happen on its own or with the efforts of only one person. Both you and your partner have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving the way you communicate, so that you both can enhance your relationship skills and build a relationship where you both will have an understanding of who you are as individuals and what you both need and want. Just remember to stay real with yourself and avoid painting a foggy and falsified picture- so that you will never be caught off guard with nay-painful surprises or stressful misunderstandings (Ruigrok, 2005).             

Couples are often adept at dealing with people outside the relationship, but few people enter an intimate relationship with the basic understandings or the technical skills that make a relationship blossom.  They frequently lack the know how to make joint decisions, to decipher their partners communication.  Because of the strength of feelings and expectations, the deep dependency, and the crucial, often arbitrary symbolic meanings that they attach to each other’s actions, partners are prone to misinterpret each other’s actions (Hecker & Wetchler, 2003).

Communication problems are one of the most damaging problems that a relationship can face.  Many couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking, but do not communicate their thoughts and wants to them.  Open communication sounds good, but in reality it is very difficult. The reason for this is that we do not want to be open, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, many people think that if we are real, other people are not going to like us.

Presenting Problems in Communication between Couples

There are several obstacles that can contribute to poor communication between couples.  Examples include, but are not limited to:

Contempt: insults or put-downs

One or more partners fails to listen to each other

Criticism: attacking or blaming the other partner

Men and women have different expectations for intimacy independence

Cross-complaining: spouses do not acknowledge each other’s concerns and desires

Fault-finding/Blaming the other partner

Defensiveness: warding off a perceived attack from a partner

Problem escalation: one spouse’s statement of a problem is followed by a negative response from the partner

Lack of clarity when sending/receiving messages while communicating

Debating the truth

Poor logic in a spouse’s statements

Stalemates: each person takes an unyielding position regarding the solution to the problem

Frequent topic shifts

Interruptions

Over-generalized statements: broad conclusions based on limited # of incidents

Dichotomous thinking: all or nothing thinking

Inconsistencies between verbal and nonverbal communication channels

Sidetracking: shifting from one topic to another

Vague statements that do not specify particular behaviors and emotions

Passive aggressiveness to coerce a partner

Selective abstraction: focusing one’s attention on only some aspects of a situation

Personalization: a partner concludes that events are related to them, when this is not the case

Magnification & Minimization: exaggerating or minimizing the significance of an event

Stonewalling/withdrawing

*Source: (Baucom & Epstein, 1990)

Differing communication styles between men and women can also serve as an obstacle to healthy communication.  Examples of male and female communication styles include: (1) men talk to give information or report, while women talk to collect information or gain rapport, (2) men focus on facts, reason, and logic, while women focus on feelings, senses, and meaning, and (3) men thrive on competing and achieving, while women thrive on harmony and relating (Simon & Pederson, 2005).  Cognitive behavior therapy is a theoretical approach that can be utilized to counteract the presenting problems mentioned earlier, as well as teach couples the skills necessary to identify and modify dysfunctional cognitions or behaviors in the future (Baucom & Epstein, 1990). 

Review of Literature

            Research findings with regard to communication between couples tends to focus on distressed versus non-distressed couples.  For example, Baucom and Epstein (1990) note that, “distressed couples exhibit more negative nonverbal communication such as criticism and put-downs, and fewer forms of positive communication, such as acknowledgment, than non-distressed couples” (p. 39).  Research findings also stress and focus on the importance of positive communication between couples.  Epstein and Baucom (2002) point out that, “although the findings are not totally consistent, several studies have demonstrated that happy couples exhibit a higher rate of positive communication than distressed couples when the partners are having a conversation with each other” (p. 29).  These findings are significant because in cognitive-behavioral therapy, the therapist attempts to assess how distressed couples are while they interact with one another, so that the therapist can alter negative behaviors that may be maintaining the poor communication between the couple.  Researchers also study the way that couples send and receive each other’s messages when communicating, which is also referred to as encoding and decoding.  Baucom and Epstein (1990) state that, “research findings regarding the encoding and decoding of marital communication indicate that when attempting to understand a couple’s misunderstandings, it is important to investigate the degree to which it is a problem of unclear expressiveness by one party, or ineffective listening by the other party” (p.34).  Encoding and decoding between couples is important to cognitive-behavioral therapists because they assess the specificity and clarity of these actions while the couple is interacting with one another.  Then the therapist can help the couple alter the manner in which they send and receive each others messages.  As a result, partners will be more understanding of one another.        

Goals and objectives of Cognitive Behavior Therapy

The main goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to increase the desired behavior or cognition and decrease the undesirable cognitions and behaviors. Another goal of cognitive behavioral couples therapy intervention techniques involves the use of cognitive restructuring. Restructuring is a process of evaluating cognitions and determining the accuracy of the cognition and changing those that are inaccurate or unrealistic. Attributions, assumptions, expectations, and standards that are unrealistic are worked on together by the therapist and partners to produce complementary explanations that are more accurate.  Hence, partners can direct more positive feelings towards one another.

There are basically three main phases of goals to help the therapist facilitate communication between couples which include; early-phase, middle-phase, and late-phase.

First, the early-phase goal is for the therapist to establish the therapeutic relationship with the couple by showing respect. The therapist can accomplish this task by modeling appropriate communication skills and positively reinforcing open progressive communication and interaction between the couple both during the session and out of the session. The therapist assesses each partner and gains information about how the couple interacts and communicates. The therapist should also be aware of any unresolved issues that may be contributing to the miscommunication. Complimenting and highlighting the couple’s effective communication begins the process of shaping. Shaping is a technique used by therapists that is based on operant conditioning and implies dividing the behavior into subsections, then rewards and punishments are implemented to produce the desired behavior. The therapist could ask the couple to define the problem behavior, as well as determine if there is any unacceptable communication between the partners.  The therapist may also ask the couple what their views of proficient communication mean to each of them. Homework consisting of charting inappropriate communication could be given to the couple. The use of functional analysis can be used to examine past experiences of communication patterns. Furthermore, a therapeutic contract should be developed during this phase to specify goals and objectives.

Next, during the middle-phase the therapist should focus on decreasing inappropriate communication and increasing suitable communication between the couple. There are several ways that communication can be facilitated during this phase. Implementing cognitive behavior psycho-education allows the couple to gain knowledge and information about communication skills and techniques. Two more major techniques that can be implemented in this phase are problem solving skills and communication enrichment. Challenging irrational beliefs facilitates the exploration of the couple’s inability to communicate. In addition, it is beneficial to investigate pessimistic assumptions and attributions that sustain the lack of communication among partners. It is also imperative that the therapist and couple discuss contracts and charts to observe changes or any need for renegotiation. The couple and the therapist must negotiate how the partners will treat each other and how they will communicate needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings. The therapist should recognize explicit constructive and unconstructive reinforcements for productive communication and let the couple know that it is crucial to maintain consistent reinforcement. The token system may be initiated. The token system is a technique that the therapist and partners develop. An inventory of preferred behaviors is listed with points associated with each item. The partners may earn points or have points deducted depending on the behaviors being displayed. When the points have accrued the couple may trade points for a variety of rewards. Time outs have been a popular disciplinary tool for parents to use with their children but time outs can be a useful instrument to help partners control situations that may escalate into an argument. It is a good idea for the therapist and couple to develop a plan for when the couple feels as though the situation is getting out-of-hand, it may be beneficial to take a time out so ensure that words or behaviors are not inappropriately exchanged.

Finally, the late-phase goal of therapy may be implemented which is when the therapist draws attention to the eradication of the conflicting communication styles and patterns and investigates problem-solving competence. In this phase the therapist and couple discuss any residual issues that may need to be explored and worked out. They also note any changes that have been made in the relationship, as well as changes in communication. Further psycho-education and communication guidance may be employed. It is important for the therapist to check-in with each partner and assess contracts and limitations to their communication. Any miscommunication that still exists should be worked through while maintaining rewarding patterns of communication. A contract may be put into place regarding how long the couple remains in therapy.  This may depend on the couple’s relationship satisfaction, or how well the couple communicates consistently with one another.  For example, the couple will terminate therapy if they appropriately and consistently communicate with one another for thirty consecutive days.  It is beneficial to renegotiate how the partners will treat each other and how they will communicate needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings. References and other support groups should be made available for the couple to explore. The couple and the therapist should make a list of warning signs of falling back into the same patterns of miscommunication and formulate a plan to deal with these issues. In addition, a list of appropriate and reinforcing behaviors and patterns of communication should be created to help the couple sustain improvements in their relationship. 

Theoretical approach and Rationale

The rationale for using cognitive behavior therapy is that when couples experience difficulties in their relationship, especially communication, the problems are likely to include behavioral, cognitive, and affective components.  The assessment of these factors is crucial in preparation for therapeutic interventions with couple’s communication patterns (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).  Hence, cognitive behavior therapy can be utilized if cognitions, behaviors, or emotions are distorted and maintaining a couple’s communication problem.

Cognitive behavior therapy is an approach that originated as a result of the psychodynamic approach (with an added cognitive element). This approach includes behavioral techniques for families, couples, adolescents, children, and sexual dysfunctions. Cognitive behavior therapy uses thought patterns to change moods and behaviors. It is relatively short term. There are several positive aspects of this approach including: being empirically based, goal oriented, practical, active, and collaborative.  Despite these benefits, CBT can not be used for individuals in whom thinking or communicating is severely disturbed. If partners do not complete “homework” and keep accurate records, the therapeutic process can be greatly hindered. In addition, CBT focuses on a client’s present situation and does not attempt to dig up the past which can result in a lack of self compassion.  With cognitive-behavior therapy, the therapist should be aware that nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal communication with regards to communication. 

The key theorists for cognitive behavior therapy include:

Albert Bandura

Aaron Beck

Albert Ellis

Joseph Wolpe

Richard Stuart

B.F. Skinner

Norman Epstein

Neil Jacobson

Gerald Jones

Gerald Patterson

Donald Meichenbaum

Arnold Lazarus

*Source: (Hecker & Wetchler, 2003)

Program Activities and Materials

The program activities and materials are based on Marriage enrichment and relationship enhancement philosophies and concepts.

1.Increasing and Identifying Rewarding Communication:

•One should reward their partner even if he or she is not showing rewarding communication and behavior in return. It may take a little while for one another to teach each other positive communication because the present communication and behavior has been used. It is important to follow the rule of reciprocity; if you communicate, usually, your spouse will reward you by communicating accordingly. Unfortunately, unrewarding actions are also reciprocated.

•It is important to know what each partner likes and dislikes about the other’s communication style and behavior. The partners are not mind readers and need each other to help teach one another and learn what they find rewarding. Many couples spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative and not enough time articulating what is positive and rewarding.

•Each partner should be very specific about the rewarding communication or behavior that they get pleasure from. For example, if a spouse told her partner that she enjoyed how nice he was to her last week, this taught her partner nothing. If a spouse were to say I really enjoyed how you called me Tuesday night to let me know that you would be home a little late, I really appreciate when you are thoughtful, this would give her partner insight and the ability to repeat the rewarding communication and behavior.

Homework assignment:

A.   List seven rewarding ways that your spouse communicated during the past week.

B.    Throughout the up coming week write down seven specific times your partner communicated and behaved in a rewarding manner. Do not show your spouse until the next therapy session.

C.    List seven specific rewarding things, which do not take up too much time, that you would like your spouse to do during the next week.

1.Taking Responsibility and Rewarding Communication-

·      Both partners in a relationship must take responsibility for change to occur. A general rule is actions that are rewarded will increase and actions that are punished will decrease.

·      Both partners must teach each other specific actions that they like and follow these rules;

A.   Articulate the specific action that pleased you,

B.    Genuinely reward your spouse immediately,

C.    Stay in the here and now.

Activity:

Ask yourself if you have ever heard or said any of these statements;

·      “You never talk about anything with me anymore” (thinking in a way that it is all or nothing).

·      “You told me how you felt today but you usually never tell me about anything” (using the zap method of treatment).

·      “Why can’t you be more open, caring, emotional” (using why as an accusation)?

·      Do you tend to withdraw, mope, or sulk?

Now think about how you would respond to these statements and what the outcome would be.

·      The all or nothing statement will promote feelings that your spouse can do nothing to make a difference so there is no need to try resulting in withdrawal or defensive interactions and behavior.

·      The zap method ends with punishment or accusation regarding the past so the spouse will more than likely remember the negative accusation and not the reward.

·      The “why” statement is the most common statements made by couples in distress and usually the outcome is an argument and then withdrawal. How is your spouse supposed to respond to this question? Withdrawal may decrease the chances of an argument but will annoy the other partner and furthermore, withdrawal does not teach each other what you do enjoy.

1.Build on the Positive-

·      The more the specific behavior is rewarded the better the chance of the behavior to increase. It is up to each partner to let the other know what he or she likes. The purpose of teaching each other what is enjoyable is to improve the relationship and facilitate better communication skills between each other.

Homework:

·      List seven specific times and examples of when you reward your spouse during the upcoming week.

4. Thoughts that are Automatic-

Automatic thoughts are ideas or notions that may or may not be accurate and are usually associated with negative viewpoints. It is beneficial to be aware and challenge automatic thoughts. The following is a list with examples of some automatic thoughts that are common among distraught couples.

ü     Labeling- giving your spouse a name such as “aggressive” and believing that he or she will always be that way and is not capable of changing.

ü     Shoulds- an irrational way of thinking about your relationship and standards that ought to be upheld. For example, “I should not have to ask my spouse to tell me what is on his or her mind”, “I should never be bored or discontented in my relationship”, “why should I have to change”?, “change should just happen and occur quickly”, If my spouse can not get the hint of what I want, than why should I stay in this marriage”?

ü     Fortune-telling- predicting that your spouse will never change which results in telling yourself that you will never be happy.

ü     Perfectionism- comparing your relationship to an impracticable idealistic view of how a relationship should be. For example, “it is not like we just met, we have been together for a while so he should know exactly what I want”.

ü     Mind-reading- perceiving that your spouse is insinuating something with out sufficient evidence. For example, a spouse may think that her husband does not care about her because he did not open the door for her.

ü     Discounting the positive- when a spouse ignores the rewarding behavior or styles of communication by believing that the actions are insignificant because that is what a husband or wife should do. Another illustration of discounting the positive when one believes that his or her success is trivial.

ü     Catastrophic thinking- believing that the argument or issue that occurred means that your marriage is awful and doomed.

ü     Emotional reasoning- you feel a certain way and relate the way you feel with how your marriage is going. For example, “I feel depressed which means that my marriage must be failing”.

ü     Negative filter- when a partner only focuses on the negative and does not see the positive aspects of the relationship.

ü     Externalizing- believing that you have no control over what happens.

ü     Over-generalizing- taking a broad view of the situation and using statements such as “if I fail at me marriage, I will fail at everything”.

Homework:

Write a list each day of the automatic thoughts or comments and notice any patterns.

5. Ground Rules Regarding Having Differences of opinions and Arguing-   

·      Use “time out” if you and you spouse are prone to explosive actions and comments. (It is important to allow for your partner to ask for a time out and receive it without the other partner following Him or her in to the other room).

·      The issue should be solved by both of you and each person should be invited to discuss their opinion and offer ideas to the solution. Possible solutions should be prioritized from most acceptable to not suitable.

·      It is imperative that both partners compromise and come to a mutual agreement. Keep in mind that modifications may be needed if the first arrangement is not sufficient.

·      Stay on the present issue and do not bring up differences from the past or material that is irrelevant.

·      Accept responsibility for the role each person plays in the dilemma.

·      Remember not to label, use the why accusation (why do you always…?), withdrawal, mope, use sarcasm, use a loud tone of voice, or use threats or ultimatums.

·      Consider that rewarding each other for cooperating and compromising may increase more positive correspondence in the future.

6. Empathetically Listening to Your Partner-

Rephrasing is a good way for couples to show that they are truly listening to one another. When having a discussion briefly state the point of the conversation using only about three statements and then ask your partner to rephrase your statements. After your partner rephrases specify what was correct and clear up any misunderstandings. If there were any misunderstandings, explain your point once more and ask your partner to rephrase again. Next, ask for any disagreeing view points. If there are disagreements subsequently rephrase the differential statements. The rephrasing technique can be used to be certain that each partner is being heard clearly and may help decrease the severity of the altercation.

A number of other different techniques and activities may be employed in cognitive-behavioral therapy to help patients uncover and examine their thoughts, as well as change their behaviors.  They Include:

•Cognitive rehearsal- The patient imagines a difficult situation and the therapist guides him through the step-by-step process of facing and successfully dealing with it.  The patient then works on practicing, or rehearsing, these steps mentally.  Ideally, when situation arises in real life, the patient will draw on the rehearsed behavior to address it.

•Journal- Patients are asked to keep a detailed diary recounting their thoughts, feelings and actions when specific situations arise.  The journal helps to make the patient aware of his or her maladaptive thoughts and to show their consequences on behavior.  In late stages of therapy, it may serve to demonstrate and reinforce positive behaviors.

•Modeling- The therapist and patient engage in role-playing exercises in which the therapist acts out appropriate behaviors or responses to situations.

•Conditioning- The therapist uses reinforcement to encourage a particular behavior.  For example, a child with ADHD gets a gold star every time he stays focused on tasks and accomplishes certain daily chores.  The gold star reinforces and increases the desired behavior by identifying it with something positive.  Reinforcement can also be used to extinguish unwanted behaviors by imposing negative consequences.

•Systematic Desensitization- Patients imagine a situation they fear, while the therapist employs techniques to help the patient relax, helping the person cope with their fear reaction and eventually eliminate the anxiety altogether.  The imagery of the anxiety producing situations gets progressively more intense until, eventually, the therapist and patient approach the anxiety causing situation in real life.  Exposure may be increases to the point of “flooding”, providing maximum exposure to the real situation.  By repeatedly pairing a desired response (relaxation) with a fear producing situation, the patient gradually becomes desensitized to the old response of fear and learns to react with feelings of relaxation.

•Validity testing- Patients are asked to test the validity of the automatic thoughts and schemas they encounter.  The therapist may ask the patient to defend or produce evidence that schema is true.  If the patient is unable to meet the challenge, the faulty nature of the schema is exposed. 

•Self-report scales- May be utilized to assess communication problems in the couple’s relationship.  Some examples include: the Marital Communication Inventory, the Primary Communication Inventory, the self-report form of the Verbal Problems Checklist, and the Problem-Solving Communication and Affective Communication scales from the Marital Satisfaction Inventory (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).  These inventories are effective tools for gathering information about the couple’s patterns of communication, and they help with determining what areas the couple needs to work on during the treatment process.

•“I” Messages- In facilitating communication between couples the therapist should demonstrate the importance of using “I” messages. “I” type messages place focus on the speaker’s feelings with regard to their partner’s behavior. By using “I” statements the listeners can gain a better understanding of the effects their actions have on their partner.  The therapist should understand what type of communicator each client is. Expressive communicators tend to share emotions and feelings. These individuals usually need responsive feedback. Problem-solving communicators may seldom talk about their feelings. These types of communicators may place facts in place of their feelings when giving a statement (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).

Diversity Issues

Diversity issues can sometimes create severe conflict within a relationship.  Couples who are combated with diversity and communication issues are dealt a dueling dilemma when trying to coexist in harmony.  Gender differences are the first issue couples must deal with. Men and women can be on opposite ends of the communication spectrum. Communication between members of the opposite sex can be difficult when neither party understands the issues being brought forth by each other. When gender roles (with regard to responsibility) are strongly defined within a relationship, a couple’s communication may suffer. When gender issues are combated with communication issues, the role of the therapist becomes more difficult. The therapist must be sensitive to both sides and respect the argument given by both parties involved.

            Multicultural issues intermingled with a lack of communication can add a heavy burden on couples. Effective communication is facilitated by a healthy relationship built on mutual respect. It is imperative that couples understand each others culture, beliefs, and values. Multicultural frameworks are important in therapy. With the U.S. being a collection of diverse individuals, effective couples therapy is of grave importance (Hecker & Wetchler, 42). Couples from diverse backgrounds are usually faced with greater communication obstacles. Learning and understanding the cultural norms of a partner is important. Not being culturally aware can cause a breakdown in communication. Some groups, such as Native Americans feel that problems should be dealt with on a personal level. If in a relationship with an individual of strong Western ideology, communication can become compromised. Hanna & Brown (1995) present questions for assessing racial and cultural factors in therapy:

§       How does your racial/cultural/religious heritage make your family different from other families you know?

§       Compared to other families in your cultural group, how is your family different?

§       What are the values your family identifies as being important parts of your heritage?

§       At this particular time in you family’s development, are there issues related to your cultural heritage that are being questioned by anyone?

§       What might an outsider not understand about your racial/cultural/religious background? (Hecker & Wetchler, 429)

Not only could the answers to these questions aid in facilitating communication between a diverse couple but it could also aid the therapist in gaining an understanding of that culture. Exploration into the importance of culture can assist in understanding and overcoming communication obstacles (Hecker & Wetchler).

Program Evaluation

l     Assess diagnostic workup of patients at the start of therapy placing emphasis on problems, needs, and issues brought to the table.

l      Review treatment plans including the goals and the couples needs for therapy.  Assess their level of communication, anxiety and stress from the start of therapy.

l     After reviewing information and history from the beginning of therapy, therapists can evaluate the progress made by clients by means of discussing with clients the progress they have made, observation of new and beneficial communication skills, charting/journaling, evaluation of goals met and satisfaction of relationship between the couple.

l     Assess if the desired behavior or cognition has been increased and the undesirable cognitions and behaviors have been decreased or eliminated.

l     Measure whether restructuring has taken place-determining the accuracy of a cognition and changing those that are inaccurate or unrealistic

References

Baucom, D. H., & Epstein, N. B. (1990). Cognitive–Behavioral Marital Therapy.  New York:

            Brunner/Mazel.

Becvar, D. S., & Becvar, R. J. (2003).  Family Therapy: A System Integration fifth

            edition.

Brown, J., & Brown, C.  (2002).  Marital therapy:  concepts and skills for effective practice.

California: Brooks/Cole.

Bauserman, R. (2002). The Journal of Family Psychology 2002, Vol. 16, NO. 1, 91-102.           

Corey, G.  (2001).  Theories and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy (6th ed).

            Wadsworth.

Corey, G., Corey, M., & Callahan, P.  (2003). Issues & Ethics in the Helping Professions

            (6th ed).  Brooks/Cole- Thompson Learning.

Corliss, R. and Steptoe, S. (2004, January 19). The Marriage Savers. Time, 88-96.

Dattilio, M. F. (2001).  Cognitive-Behavior Family Therapy:  contemporary myths and

            misconceptions.  Contemporary Family Therapy, (23), 1.

Doss, B. D., Thum, Y. M., Atkins, D. C., Sevier, M., & Christensen, A. (2005). Improving

relationships: mechanisms of change in couple therapy. American Psychological Association, 73(4), 624-633.

Epstein, N. B., & Baucom, D. H.  (2002).  Enhanced Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Couples.

            Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. 

Gehart, D. R., & Tuttle, A. R.  (2003).  Theory based treatment planning for marriage

            and family therapists: integrating theory and practice. Brooks/Cole.

Hecker, L. L., Wetchler, J. L., (2003).  An introduction to marriage and family therapy.  New

            York:  The Haworth Clinical Practice Press.

Hunt, R.A., Hof, L. and DeMaria, R. (1998). Marriage Enrichment; Preparing, Mentoring, and

           Outreach. PA: Brunner/Mazel.

Simon, V., & Pederson, H.  (2005, March).  Communication with men at work: bridging the gap

            with male coworkers and employees.  Retrieved February 18, 2006, from

            http://www.itstime.com/mar2005.htm

  

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness, Uncategorized

Assertiveness Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1.    Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

   

2.    Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

   

3.    Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

   

4.    Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”

   

5.    Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”

   

6.    Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

   

7.    Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

   

8.    Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

   

9.    Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

   

10.    Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

   

11.    Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

   

12.    Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

   

13.    Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

   

14.    Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

   

15.    Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

   

16.    State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)

   

17.    Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

   

18.    Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

   

19.    Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

   

20.    Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Counseling, Couples Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, relationship

Fine Tune Your Relationship

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Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.

    1.    Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.

    2.    Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.

    3.    Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.

    4.    Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.

    5.    Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang out.

    6.    Spend regular time together alone.

    7.    Look for ways to compliment your partner.

    8.    Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.

    9.    Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.

    10.    Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can forget your manners.

    11.    When you want something, say please.

    12.    When your partner does something for you, say thank you.

    13.    When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.

    14.    When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a good day.”

    15.    When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.

    16.    During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.

    17.    If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it’s convenient.

    18.    When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.

    19.    When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, “I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted,” rather than, “That’s silly! We should wait until spring.”

    20.    Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.

    21.    Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:

    a.    Tell me about…

    b.    What do you think of…

    c.    What was it like when…

    22.    Have you become passive with your partner because that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.

    23.    Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?

    24.    Check your communication with your partner and beware of using “You” messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:

You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.

You shouldn’t do that.

You should call me from the office and tell me when you’ll be home.

Here is what you ought to do.

“You” messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.

    25.    If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with “I” messages instead. When you start your statement with “I,” you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the “you” message.

You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an “I” message sounds: When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

    26.    Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.

    27.    Ask your partner to do the same for you.

    28.    Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.

    29.    As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?