Tag Archives: communication

Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Psychotherapy, self awareness

You Can Have Excellent Listening Skills

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Any professional counselor will tell you that one of the biggest problems they see among their clients is poor listening skills. People get into trouble in their relationships because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Effective Communication

There are some good reasons why many people are less-than-effective communicators. These are the most common reasons:

•    Lack of skill; not knowing how

•    Not taking the time to think through what one wants to say

•    Not taking the time to anticipate what another person might be thinking and feeling

•    Fear of revealing too much of oneself

•    Being afraid of another person’s anger

•    Not wanting to hurt another person’s feelings

Four Key Listening Skills

Listening skills are the building blocks of effective communication. These skills enable you to demonstrate that you are interested in what the other person has to say, as well as hearing and understanding the other person. Four key listening skills are open-ended questions, summary statements, reflective statements, and neutral questions and phrases. They are easy to learn with a little practice.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

•    These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

•    Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what they think or know.

•    These questions are designed to encourage the other person to talk.

•    They are useful when the other person is silent, or reluctant to elaborate.

•    They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Examples of open-ended questions:

“How do you feel about what she said?”

“Tell me all about this new project.”

“What do you think about the new offices?”

Summary statements sum up what you hear the other person is saying.

•    A summary statement enhances the other person’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

•    It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

•    It helps the other person clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

•    Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

•    They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

•    Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Examples of summary statements:

“So you’re saying you want to go to the library and the bookstore before you decide which books you need. Then you want to go over your choices with me.”

“You’re saying that you tried your best on this homework assignment, but it was beyond your control.”

Reflective statements rephrase what you heard the person say and reflect it back.

•    A reflective statement is a way of demonstrating that you were listening carefully.

•    It shows the other person that you take them seriously and want to understand what they are feeling.

•    It helps you clarify whether you understand what the other person is saying and feeling.

Examples of reflective statements:

“You feel sad because your mother has to leave so soon after such a good visit.”

“You’re feeling upset because I was late again.”

“You sound frustrated that you won’t be able to finish the project on time.”

Neutral questions and phrases get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

•    These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

•    They help the other person understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

•    They further communication because they help you gain more information.

•    When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to the other person that you are interested and that you are listening.

Examples of neutral questions and phrases:

“Give me some more reasons why we should buy the computer now rather than in January.”

“Tell me more about why you want to take this job.”

Try Your Hand at Using Listening Skills

Here are some common life situations where good listening skills would come in handy. Read each one and think about which of the four listening skills would help the most. Write an example of what you could say to the other person to validate his or her feelings and encourage further expression of emotion. Check your answers with those on the back page of this newsletter.

1.    Your spouse returns from an important business trip. He is very quiet. When you ask him how the trip went, he shrugs his shoulders and says, “Okay.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

2.    Your coworker says, “I really wish I didn’t have to go to that conference next week. I know I have to, but I wish I could get out of it somehow. I don’t like traveling, I hate being away from my family, and I resent having to spend time kissing up to those field people!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

3.    “I wish I could just stay home and garden today,” your spouse says.

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

4.    You are 20 minutes late to pick up your son for a soccer game. There was no way you could let him know you were going to be late. When you arrive, he opens the car door and glares at you. He growls, “I thought you’d be on time for once!”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

5.    Your business partner wants to stay in your present office space, which you have outgrown. You want to look for a bigger place. She says, “It makes me so nervous to make such a big commitment! And what if we don’t like it in the new place? I think we should just stay where we are.”

Which listening skill would be effective in this situation?

What could you say?

Suggested Answers to Listening Skills Exercise

Lots of different listening skills would be effective in each of the five situations. Here are some suggested answers:

1.    Open-ended question: “Why don’t you tell me about it?”

2.    Reflective statement: “You sound frustrated and upset about having to go to the conference.”

3.    Reflective statement: “You really love gardening because it’s so relaxing.”

4.    Reflective statement: “You are really upset with me for being late, aren’t you?”

5.    Summary statement: “You’re afraid that we’ll be in over our heads and will think it’s a mistake.”

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, empathy, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness

12 Rules for Constructive Communication

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Destructive communication erodes self-esteem and harms relationships. Such communication patterns may be destructive, but, sadly, plenty of people fall into the trap of indulging in them. If you and your relationship partners follow these rules and steer clear of the traps of destructive communication, you will almost certainly feel better about each other and your relationship.

1.    Use I-messages instead of You-messages. You-messages sound blaming and accusing. With an I-message, you can convey the same message without sounding blaming. For example:

You-message: “You left the dishes in the sink again.”

I-message: “When you don’t clean up after yourself, I feel taken advantage of.”

2.    Communicate the entire message. According to McKay et al. in their excellent book Couple Skills (see Suggested Reading), complete messages include four components:

Observations: neutral statements of fact

Thoughts: your own opinions and beliefs

Feelings: descriptions of your emotions

Needs: a statement of what you need or want from the other person

Here is an example of a complete message: “The weekend is coming up. I hope we can go to the movies together. I would like to spend some time with you.”

An incomplete message leaves out one or more of these components. It might sound like this: “I hope we can go to the movies this weekend.” There isn’t really anything wrong with this statement, but the first one is more complete and will more likely result in the speaker getting what he or she wants.

3.    Don’t use your feelings as weapons. Just describe what you are feeling as objectively as possible, not aggressively. Be as specific as possible and keep your voice under control. For example:

Objective: “I felt really hurt when you said that I probably wouldn’t pass the bar the first time.”

Aggressive: (yelling) “You are such an idiot! How dare you insult me like that!”

4.    Use specific language. When you have a complaint, be specific. For example, “I’m upset that you left the food out on the table” is clearer than saying, “Thanks for the mess you left me.” The first statement is less likely to produce defensiveness and leaves little room for misunderstanding.

5.    Focus on the problem, not the person. Consider how different these two statements sound:

“You are such a complete slob.”

“I wish you would take your stuff upstairs.”

Attacking someone’s personality or character—rather than a specific behavior—is different from simply expressing a complaint. A complaint focuses on a specific action. Criticism is more blaming and more global. It sounds like this: “You always screw the budget up. Can’t you do anything right?”

Behavior like this is damaging to a relationship because:

•    Criticism is destructive rather than constructive.

•    It involves blame.

•    Criticisms are global and tend to be generalizations (you always, you never, etc.).

•    Criticisms attack the other person personally.

•    It feels overwhelming to be on the receiving end.

6.    Stop bringing up ancient history. It’s more constructive to focus on the issue at hand, not bring up past hurts. When you are upset with your partner and add past issues to the discussion, it can only escalate the conflict. It feels unfair and can never be productive. If you still have feelings about past issues, it is important to resolve them and move on, not use them as weapons every time you have a disagreement with your partner.

7.    Watch out for mixed messages. Keep your statements clean, avoiding the temptation to mix compliments and complaints. For example, let’s say that you meet your friend at a cocktail party. You think she looks nice, but her dress seems a little too provocative.

Straight message: “You look very nice tonight.”

Mixed message: “You look so pretty. I would never have the nerve to wear that.”

8.    Pay attention to your body language. Your words are only part of the message you communicate. If you say “How nice to see you” while frowning, your message becomes unclear. Think about what message you want to convey and be sure that your body is in harmony with it. Watch out for things like these:

•    Rolling your eyes

•    Crossing your legs and arms

•    Tapping your foot

•    Clenching your teeth

9.    Pay attention to your emotions and keep from becoming overwhelmed. If you are calm, you are less likely to say things you’ll later regret, things that could be destructive to your relationship. You will be less likely to become defensive and shut your partner out. Examples of ways to calm yourself and keep from getting carried away with emotion include the following:

•    Pay attention to your physical responses. Is your heart racing? Are you breathing faster? If you are, take a time-out.

•    Leave the room. Go for a drive. Do something relaxing. Listen to music or do relaxation exercises.

•    Make a conscious effort to calm yourself down. Say things to yourself like:

“I’m very upset right now, but it’ll be okay. I still love her.”

“Even though we disagree, we still have a good relationship.”

“We can work this out. We’re partners.”

10.    Resolve negative feelings. If you have bad feelings about your partner, take steps to resolve them. Don’t let them grow into feelings of contempt. When you engage in behavior (verbal or nonverbal) that conveys a lack of respect, you are placing your relationship in serious danger. This includes obvious abuse, and also insults, making faces, and name-calling. Any relationship that is plagued by abusiveness and negativity will have a very difficult time surviving.

11.    Don’t be defensive. It is understandable to react defensively when you are in a conflict situation, but it can be dangerous to a relationship. Defensiveness tends to escalate the conflict and does nothing to resolve it. Some examples of defensive behavior include:

•    Denying responsibility (I did not!)

•    Making excuses (I couldn’t help it; traffic was awful)

•    Ignoring what your partner says and throwing a complaint back (Yeah, well, what about the mess you left yesterday?)

•    Saying Yes, but…

•    Whining

•    Rolling your eyes or making a face

12.    Don’t shut down. In Why Marriages Succeed or Fail and How You Can Make Yours Last , author John Gottman describes the dangers of shutting out the other person. He calls this behavior stonewalling and says that it means refusing to communicate, storming out of the room, or any kind of withdrawing. When a person is stonewalling, communication is impossible because he or she is refusing to participate. When it becomes a regular pattern of communication, stonewalling is very damaging to a relationship.

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, self awareness

Resolving Conflicts in Relationships

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Every relationship has conflicts. In some relationships, conflict is a serious problem; in others, differences seem to be resolved without creating a major incident.

Think about the kinds of conflicts that happen in your daily life. These are typical:

1.    Disagreements over who should do what

2.    Disagreements over how things should be done

3.    Conflicts of personality and style

Nonproductive Ways of Dealing with Conflict

Now that we’ve identified some typical situations where conflict arises in your everyday lives, let’s look at some examples of ways that people deal with them. These are the common ones:

1.    Avoid the conflict.

2.    Deny the conflict; wait until it goes away.

3.    Change the subject.

4.    React emotionally: Become aggressive, abusive, hysterical, or frightening.

5.    Find someone to blame.

6.    Make excuses.

7.    Let someone else deal with it.

All of these responses to conflict have one thing in common: They are all nonproductive. All of them are destructive, some physically. This is why learning to manage conflict is so important.

Factors That Affect How People Manage Conflict

The skills involved in managing conflict are learned behaviors. None of us is born knowing how to deal with differences of opinion, arguments, or turf wars. Some of the factors that affect how we behave in the face of conflict are:

1.    Behavior learned in families. In some families, conflict and confrontation are a communication style. In others, conflict always remains hidden.

2.    Behavior learned from role models. People who have had a teacher or boss who modeled effective conflict resolution skills are more likely to develop these skills themselves.

3.    Status. People in higher-status positions usually feel freer to engage in conflict and are less likely to avoid confrontation.

4.    Unwritten rules. Some groups encourage conflict; others have unwritten rules that it is to be contained or avoided.

5.    Gender differences. Males are generally encouraged to be more confrontational than females.

Active Listening

Active listening is a valuable skill for resolving conflicts because it enables you to demonstrate that you understand what another person is saying and how he or she is feeling about it. Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

Active listening is a way of checking whether your understanding is correct. It also demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned. These all help resolve a situation where there are conflicting points of view.

Active listening responses have two components: (1) naming the feeling that the other person is conveying, and (2) stating the reason for the feeling.

Here are some examples of active-listening statements:

“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”

“You’re annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”

“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”

“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joe’s paperwork.”

“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”

“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

Actively listening is not the same as agreement. It is a way of demonstrating that you intend to hear and understand another’s point of view.

Benefits of Active Listening

If a person uses active listening as part of his or her communication style, it has a positive effect on dealing with conflicts when they arise. This is because of the following benefits:

1.    It feels good when another person makes an effort to understand what you are thinking and feeling. It creates good feelings about the other person and makes you feel better about yourself.

2.    Restating what you’ve heard and checking for understanding promotes better communication and produces fewer misunderstandings.

3.    Responding with active listening has a calming effect in an emotional situation.

General Tips for Managing Conflict

1.    Stick with “I” statements; avoid “you” statements.

2.    Avoid name-calling and put-downs (“A reasonable person could see that…”).

3.    Soften your tone.

4.    Take a time-out (“Let’s take a break and cool down”).

5.    Acknowledge the other person’s point of view (agreement is not necessary).

6.    Avoid defensive or hostile body language (rolling eyes, crossing arms in front of body, tapping foot).

7.    Be specific and factual; avoid generalities.

Preventing Conflicts

Now that we’ve talked about how to resolve a conflict, let’s look at how to prevent conflicts from happening. Think of situations in your life where there don’t seem to be many conflicts. What might be happening there? Chances are, you are practicing one of the following conflict-prevention skills:

1.    Bring issues out in the open before they become problems.

2.    Be aware of triggers and respond to them when you notice them.

3.    Have a process for resolving conflicts. Discuss the process with those around you and get agreement on what people should do in cases of differing viewpoints.

Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, empathy, Listening Skills, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

Skills for Making Your Marriage Thrive

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Any marriage counselor will tell you that one of the most common problems observed when couples come for help is poor communication skills. People get into trouble in their marriages because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Communication

These are a few of the things that prevent people from communicating effectively:

•    Not knowing how to communicate properly

•    Not taking the time to think through what you want to say

•    Not taking the time to anticipate what your partner might be thinking and feeling

•    Fear of revealing too much of yourself

•    Fear of your partner’s anger

•    Not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings

Empathy and Acceptance

People marry because they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner. They have every hope of growing together and creating a relationship that makes them feel emotionally healthy. Two factors that are necessary for this to happen are empathy and acceptance on the part of both partners.

Empathy is the capacity to put oneself in another’s shoes and understand how they view their reality, how they feel about things.

Demonstrating empathy and acceptance is critical to maintaining a strong relationship. Let’s look next at some communication skills that enable you to create a climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding. First we will explore a skill called Active Listening.

Active Listening

Active listening is a way of communicating that creates the important climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding.

•    It is a two-step response to a statement made by your partner.

•    It includes reflecting back what emotion you detected in the statement, and the reason for the emotion.

This is what active listening sounds like:

“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”

“You’re very annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”

Why Active Listening Is a Valuable Skill

Active listening is a valuable skill because it demonstrates that you understand what your partner is saying and how he or she is feeling about it.

•    Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

•    It’s a check on whether your understanding is correct.

•    It demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.

Actively listening does not mean agreeing with the other person. The point is to demonstrate to your partner that you intend to hear and understand his or her point of view. This is good for your relationship for several reasons:

•    When someone demonstrates that they want to understand what you are thinking and feeling, it feels good.

•    It creates good feelings about the other person.

•    Restating and checking understanding promotes better communication and fewer misunderstandings.

More Active Listening Examples

Here are some more examples of active listening:

“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”

“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joey’s homework.”

“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”

“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

More Communication Skills

Although our space is limited in this short newsletter, there are a few more communication skills that I must mention. These include asking open-ended questions, making summary statements to check understanding, and encouraging your partner to open up and elaborate by using neutral questions and phrases.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

•    These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

•    Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what he or she thinks or knows.

•    These questions are designed to encourage your partner to talk.

•    They are useful when the other person is silent or reluctant to elaborate.

•    They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Summary Statements

Summary statements sum up what you hear your partner saying.

•    A summary statement enhances your partner’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

•    It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

•    It helps your partner clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

•    Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

•    They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

•    Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Neutral Questions and Phrases

Neutral questions and phrases get your partner to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

•    These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

•    They help your partner understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

•    They further communication because they help you gain more information.

•    When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to your partner that you are interested and that you are listening.

Business Skills for Marriages

You might be surprised to hear that the same skills that help people succeed in business can also be used to build a better marriage. Like any business, a marriage is a partnership of people. Many of the skills that make businesses run successfully—planning, organizing, and setting goals—also can be applied to running your marriage successfully. These are some of the skills that will strengthen any marriage:

1.    Create an overall vision of what you want your life to be like; consider all life areas.

2.    Develop a long-range strategy.

3.    Set short-term and long-term goals.

4.    Plan the steps that will help you accomplish your goals.

5.    Organize projects.

6.    Manage projects.

7.    Manage people.

8.    Evaluate progress and results at regular intervals.

9.    Revise goals as needed.

Assertiveness, Communication, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, self awareness

Communication Is Key!!

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Communication…Communication…Communication

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without communication!

Communication is the key skill for maintaining a relationship and maintaining intimacy with your partner. Whether it is intimacy, finances, children, careers, spirituality, or expressing feelings and thoughts; Communication is vital and an essential piece of every aspect of you relationships. It is fair to say that we would like our partners and loved ones to listen with more interest and to speak with more sensitivity than we would expect some random person we run into from time to time. Communication styles can be powerful and can either bring people closer together or push them apart.

Here’s the good news: Useful communication skills-SPEAKING! – AND – LISTENING!- can be learned and improved…First, let’s look at some common obstacles which are MAKING ASSUMPTIONS, DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION, and FAILING TO LISTEN.

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS-

Assumptions are the termites of relationships –Henry Winkler

Don’t assume that you know what each other is thinking, just because you are close and know one another well. We must ask or check in with each other to see if we understand one another. Assumptions can easily be false because people’s feelings and ideas may change. Our bodies may change around age 19 and seem to not physically grow any longer, the most drastic changes are not physical and are continuous and unsustainable- which means- forever changing! Assuming leads to a decrease in communication, which results in less sharing and intimacy.

DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION-

It takes the average person about 48% longer to understand a sentence using a negative than it does to understand a positive or affirmative sentence. This is confirmation of something every successful person knows: The secret of good communication is positive affirmation!  -Bits and Pieces (1996)

In the beginning of a relationship, partners seem to look for the positive aspects and qualities in their partner. Gradually overtime, this pattern appears to shift and partners seem to focus on the negatives in the other person. Well…we tend to only see what we focus on which may result in a problem especially, if we are focusing on the negative! For example, have you ever bought a new car and suddenly noticed that a lot of people are driving the same car as yours? Actually, there are not more people driving your same car model, but your focus has changed so that you notice this type of car more often.

We tend to find what we are looking for and what we are focused on. If you focus on the negatives in you relationship, you will “see” and come to believe that there are mainly negatives. HERE’S THE POINT: Stable, healthy couples do not necessarily have less negativity in their relationship, but the negativity is significantly outweighed by positive feelings and actions. It is also important to note that feelings of anger are only harmful if expressed with criticism.

FAILING TO LISTEN-

We were born with TWO ears and ONE mouth. That ought to tell us something!               –Bits and Pieces (1997)

The #1 communication skill that is considered paramount for developing and maintaining intimacy and relationships… it is LISTENING! We can hear someone talking without actually listening to what they are saying. Good listening skills= Patience, not judging, and spending energy trying to understand. In order to relate effectively with ANYONE, you must learn to listen. This means…you should not be planning your next response or deciding whether you agree or disagree- YOU MUST SIMPLY LISTEN! This is important because, if you listen while holding firmly to your own perspective, you will only selectively hear what fits into your own view. In that case, what you call agreement with someone is based not on what you currently hear, but on what fits into your pre-existing beliefs. To really listen involves withholding your own beliefs so- you do not listen defensively. Of course, your own feelings and beliefs are important but they can get in the way of LISTENING.

Your inner thoughts may send you messages based on what the speaker says, such as “that hurts”, I am not letting her get away with this”, or “that is wrong”. These judgments will interfere with your ability to really understand the speaker. How do we minimize this defensiveness and judgment? By paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing is a very, very important skill to learn and use often! Paraphrasing has two parts:

1)Restate the speaker’s idea or content.

2)Describe the speaker’s idea using feeling.

Although this approach slows down communication, it minimizes misunderstanding and conflict. Here is an example:

•Sue: “I am really fed up with these kids!”

•Mike (restating the idea #1): “Sounds like the kids are acting out.”

•Mike (focusing on feeling #2): “You really seem frustrated, and it sounds like you need time away from the kids.”

By restating the content and focusing on the feelings, the speaker ends up feeling understood and appreciated!

What is your communication style? (see pg. 29-31 in the Empowering Couples book)

•Passive- Unwillingness to honestly share thoughts, feelings, or desires. May stem from low self esteem and used to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, or to avoid being criticized. The other partner may be left feeling angry, mistrustful, or confused.

•Aggressive- Blaming or accusing the other person. Accompanied language may be “you always” or “you never”. The focus is on the negative characteristics of the person rather than the situation.

•Assertive- Allows each person to express themselves in a non-defensive, healthy way. It is asking clearly and directly for what one wants, and being respectful and positive.

In conclusion, some suggestions for improving you communication include:

1)Focus on the good in each other.

2)Praise and compliment each other often.

3)Take time to listen. Listen to understand, not judge. After listening, tell your partner what you heard (content and feeling) BEFORE you share your own ideas.

4)Be assertive. (Using “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements) Let your partner know what you mean- don’t let your needs become a guessing game.

5)Give your relationship importance and the attention you did when you first met.

South Tampa Therapy

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness, Uncategorized

Assertiveness Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1.    Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

   

2.    Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

   

3.    Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

   

4.    Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”

   

5.    Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”

   

6.    Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

   

7.    Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

   

8.    Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

   

9.    Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

   

10.    Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

   

11.    Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

   

12.    Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

   

13.    Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

   

14.    Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

   

15.    Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

   

16.    State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)

   

17.    Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

   

18.    Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

   

19.    Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

   

20.    Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.