Category Archives: Communication

Assertiveness, Communication, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, self awareness

Communication Is Key!!

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Communication…Communication…Communication

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without communication!

Communication is the key skill for maintaining a relationship and maintaining intimacy with your partner. Whether it is intimacy, finances, children, careers, spirituality, or expressing feelings and thoughts; Communication is vital and an essential piece of every aspect of you relationships. It is fair to say that we would like our partners and loved ones to listen with more interest and to speak with more sensitivity than we would expect some random person we run into from time to time. Communication styles can be powerful and can either bring people closer together or push them apart.

Here’s the good news: Useful communication skills-SPEAKING! – AND – LISTENING!- can be learned and improved…First, let’s look at some common obstacles which are MAKING ASSUMPTIONS, DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION, and FAILING TO LISTEN.

MAKING ASSUMPTIONS-

Assumptions are the termites of relationships –Henry Winkler

Don’t assume that you know what each other is thinking, just because you are close and know one another well. We must ask or check in with each other to see if we understand one another. Assumptions can easily be false because people’s feelings and ideas may change. Our bodies may change around age 19 and seem to not physically grow any longer, the most drastic changes are not physical and are continuous and unsustainable- which means- forever changing! Assuming leads to a decrease in communication, which results in less sharing and intimacy.

DRIFTING FROM POSITIVE TO NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION-

It takes the average person about 48% longer to understand a sentence using a negative than it does to understand a positive or affirmative sentence. This is confirmation of something every successful person knows: The secret of good communication is positive affirmation!  -Bits and Pieces (1996)

In the beginning of a relationship, partners seem to look for the positive aspects and qualities in their partner. Gradually overtime, this pattern appears to shift and partners seem to focus on the negatives in the other person. Well…we tend to only see what we focus on which may result in a problem especially, if we are focusing on the negative! For example, have you ever bought a new car and suddenly noticed that a lot of people are driving the same car as yours? Actually, there are not more people driving your same car model, but your focus has changed so that you notice this type of car more often.

We tend to find what we are looking for and what we are focused on. If you focus on the negatives in you relationship, you will “see” and come to believe that there are mainly negatives. HERE’S THE POINT: Stable, healthy couples do not necessarily have less negativity in their relationship, but the negativity is significantly outweighed by positive feelings and actions. It is also important to note that feelings of anger are only harmful if expressed with criticism.

FAILING TO LISTEN-

We were born with TWO ears and ONE mouth. That ought to tell us something!               –Bits and Pieces (1997)

The #1 communication skill that is considered paramount for developing and maintaining intimacy and relationships… it is LISTENING! We can hear someone talking without actually listening to what they are saying. Good listening skills= Patience, not judging, and spending energy trying to understand. In order to relate effectively with ANYONE, you must learn to listen. This means…you should not be planning your next response or deciding whether you agree or disagree- YOU MUST SIMPLY LISTEN! This is important because, if you listen while holding firmly to your own perspective, you will only selectively hear what fits into your own view. In that case, what you call agreement with someone is based not on what you currently hear, but on what fits into your pre-existing beliefs. To really listen involves withholding your own beliefs so- you do not listen defensively. Of course, your own feelings and beliefs are important but they can get in the way of LISTENING.

Your inner thoughts may send you messages based on what the speaker says, such as “that hurts”, I am not letting her get away with this”, or “that is wrong”. These judgments will interfere with your ability to really understand the speaker. How do we minimize this defensiveness and judgment? By paraphrasing.

Paraphrasing is a very, very important skill to learn and use often! Paraphrasing has two parts:

1)Restate the speaker’s idea or content.

2)Describe the speaker’s idea using feeling.

Although this approach slows down communication, it minimizes misunderstanding and conflict. Here is an example:

•Sue: “I am really fed up with these kids!”

•Mike (restating the idea #1): “Sounds like the kids are acting out.”

•Mike (focusing on feeling #2): “You really seem frustrated, and it sounds like you need time away from the kids.”

By restating the content and focusing on the feelings, the speaker ends up feeling understood and appreciated!

What is your communication style? (see pg. 29-31 in the Empowering Couples book)

•Passive- Unwillingness to honestly share thoughts, feelings, or desires. May stem from low self esteem and used to avoid hurting the other person’s feelings, or to avoid being criticized. The other partner may be left feeling angry, mistrustful, or confused.

•Aggressive- Blaming or accusing the other person. Accompanied language may be “you always” or “you never”. The focus is on the negative characteristics of the person rather than the situation.

•Assertive- Allows each person to express themselves in a non-defensive, healthy way. It is asking clearly and directly for what one wants, and being respectful and positive.

In conclusion, some suggestions for improving you communication include:

1)Focus on the good in each other.

2)Praise and compliment each other often.

3)Take time to listen. Listen to understand, not judge. After listening, tell your partner what you heard (content and feeling) BEFORE you share your own ideas.

4)Be assertive. (Using “I” statements rather than “YOU” statements) Let your partner know what you mean- don’t let your needs become a guessing game.

5)Give your relationship importance and the attention you did when you first met.

South Tampa Therapy

Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Divorce, Life Transitions, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, relationship, self awareness

Should You Leave Your Relationship?

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How do you know when it’s time to say goodbye to a relationship? In any intimate relationship—especially in a marriage—it’s not a good idea to let a doomed partnership drag on, simply to avoid the pain of a breakup.

Signs of Trouble

There are some warning signs that your relationship is in trouble. If you recognize any of these signals in your own partnership, you may have some work to do to get things back on track.

1.    Your life priorities have changed significantly. Major life changes often force people to reconsider what’s important, and this can make a once-healthy partnership lose its bearings. A near-death experience such as a serious accident or illness, being unexpectedly fired from a job, or losing a family member can cause anyone to reevaluate his or her life and decide to make some changes. Everything looks different after such an experience, and some things lose their meaning. When this happens, these new ways of seeing things must be addressed, since it’s unlikely that such changes will just disappear.

2.    The arrangement still works, but the passion is missing. Lots of doomed relationships manage to work—for a while. But when neither partner has any genuine enthusiasm for the relationship, it may be in trouble.

3.    You no longer trust your partner. After a partner has broken the bond of trust, it can be difficult to get it back. If your partner has had an affair or was irresponsible with a large amount of money, it is understandable that you feel angry and hurt. Over time, these wounds may not heal. Broken trust can cause serious harm to a relationship, and, if it is not healed, the relationship may not recover.

4.    Your partner’s lifestyle or values clash with yours. It is difficult to sustain a long-term relationship when you and your partner do not agree on some of life’s most basic things. If you want to make and save a lot of money, but your partner seeks a simple life and would be happy living in a small house with few luxuries, this is a potential problem. If your partner seeks excitement and wants to be around people most of the time but you are basically a loner who prefers solitude, you may find yourselves growing apart. You may have been attracted to each other in the beginning because you brought each other some balance, but, over the long term, the very things that drew you to each other may doom your relationship.

Deciding to end a relationship can have enormous implications. If you are married, have children, own a home, and share finances, leaving your partner can be very complicated and will affect everyone in the family. It is important to make such a decision thoughtfully and for the right reasons.

More Warning Signs

If your partner regularly does one or more of the following things, you have good reason to be concerned.

1.    Behaves abusively with your friends and family

2.    Betrays your trust

3.    Breaks promises

4.    Cheats on you

5.    Does not challenge you mentally

6.    Does not support your goals in life

7.    Is extremely jealous without cause

8.    Is not financially self-supporting

9.    Opposes or ignores your thoughts, feelings, or concerns

10.    Physically abuses you

11.    Pressures you to have sex when you are not interested

12.    Resists your attempts to improve the relationship

13.    Shares your secrets with others

14.    Tells lies regularly

15.    Threatens violence

16.    Tries to isolate you from your friends and family

17.    Verbally abuses you or puts you down

These behaviors are very serious and potentially dangerous to you. If you are in a relationship with someone who treats you in any of these ways, you should seriously consider seeking the assistance of a mental health professional.

The Impact of Stress

Stress can make it harder to decide what to do. If you are questioning your relationship and have problems with money, are stressed at work, or the kids are acting up, deciding what to do becomes even more difficult. It’s important to take your time and resist the temptation to make a fast decision that may later turn out to be the wrong thing for you.

Tips for Making Good Relationship Decisions

1. Take your time making any important decision such as whether to end an important relationship. Even though you may feel confused and indecisive, it is important to recognize that this situation requires a deliberate and careful decision-making process.

2.    Making a relationship decision calls for both instinct and logic. It’s important to trust your gut, but don’t lose track of reason.

3.    Look at the issues from different points of view.

4.    Consider the immediate and long-term implications of each option (staying or leaving), including the impact of each on other people in your life.

5.    Consider the worst- and best-case scenarios, as well as the possibilities in between.

6.    Give your relationship every chance to get back on track before you call it quits. Ask yourself if you have really tried everything. If you have, and it still isn’t working, it may be time to move on.

Seeking Advice and Support

Involving a few trusted friends in your decision-making process can help you avoid the tendency to rush into a decision and hurry to get it over with. Consulting others helps you step back from the situation and see it in a broader context. While it is more difficult and time-consuming, getting the advice and support of others can help you reach a better decision about whether to end the relationship. This is true for relationships or any other kind of decision.

You may decide to work with a professional counselor or therapist during this process. This is strongly advised if you are in an abusive relationship. A licensed, experienced professional can help you sort out the issues, help you see things you may not be aware of, and give you feedback on how you are seeing things. Involving an objective outsider can be a smart move because you can feel free to say everything that is on your mind without worrying about offending someone you care about or being judged for your thoughts and feelings.

Finally, if you decide that the relationship should end, minimize the chances for emotional fallout by planning how, where, and when you will deliver the news. When making such an important change in your life, it is better to set aside spontaneity in favor of being slow, deliberate, and certain.

4 horsemen, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Life Transitions, Marriage and family therapy, midlife, Psychotherapy, self awareness

Managing Difficult Life Transitions

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Life is a process of beginnings and endings. In both life and nature, there are times when things move slowly and don’t seem to change very much. Then, suddenly, things change quickly. Moving from August to September, the weather changes gradually at first, and then it seems that suddenly summer is over. It is the same in our lives; transitions are as natural as the changing seasons.

Life transitions are challenging because they force us to let go of the familiar and face the future with a feeling of vulnerability. Most life transitions begin with a string of losses:

•    The loss of a role

•    The loss of a person

•    The loss of a place

•    The loss of your sense of where you fit in the world

Any significant loss makes most people feel fearful and anxious. Since your future may now be filled with questions, it is normal to feel afraid. We live in a culture that has taught us to be very uncomfortable with uncertainty, so we are anxious when our lives are disrupted. On the positive side, these transitions give us a chance to learn about our strengths and to explore what we really want out of life. This time of reflection can result in a sense of renewal, stability, and a new equilibrium.

A life transition can be positive or negative, planned or unexpected. Some transitions happen without warning, and they may be quite dramatic, as in cases of accidents, death, divorce, job loss, or serious illness. Other life transitions come from positive experiences such as getting married, going away to college, starting a new job, moving to a new city, or giving birth to a child. Even though events like these are usually planned and anticipated, they can be just as life-altering as the unexpected events. Whether positive or negative, life transitions cause us to leave behind the familiar and force us to adjust to new ways of living, at least temporarily. They can leave us feeling completely unprepared and we may be thrown into a personal crisis, feeling shocked, angry, sad, and withdrawn.

Examples of Life Transitions

Life transitions can include any of the following:

•    Accidents

•    Buying a house

•    Changing jobs

•    Divorce

•    Getting married

•    Having a baby

•    Leaving for college

•    Relocation

•    Retirement

•    Selling a house

•    Serious illness

•    Significant loss (of a person, job, pet, or anything important)

•    Starting a career

Stages of Life Transitions

Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:

1.    Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, self-doubt).

2.    Feel a loss of self-esteem.

3.    Begin to accept the change.

4.    Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future.

5.    Begin to feel hopeful about the future.

6.    Feel increased self-esteem.

7.    Develop an optimistic view of the future.

The process of moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.

Coping Skills

Life transitions are often difficult, but they have a positive side, too. They provide us with an opportunity to assess the direction our lives are taking. They are a chance to grow and learn. Here are some ideas that may help make the process rewarding.

Accept that change is a normal part of life. People who have this attitude seem to have the easiest time getting through life transitions. Seeing changes as negative or as experiences that must be avoided makes them more difficult to navigate and less personally productive.

Identify your values and life goals. If a person knows who they are and what they want from life, they may see the change as just another life challenge. These people are willing to take responsibility for their actions and do not blame others for the changes that come along without warning.

Learn to identify and express your feelings. While it’s normal to try to push away feelings of fear and anxiety, you will move through them more quickly if you acknowledge them. Make them real by writing them down and talking about them with trusted friends and family members. These feelings will have less power over you if you face them and express them.

Focus on the payoffs. Think about what you have learned from other life transitions. Recall the stages you went through, and identify what you gained and learned from each experience. Such transitions can provide a productive time to do some important self-exploration. They can be a chance to overcome fears and to learn to deal with uncertainty. These can be the gifts of the transition process: to learn more about yourself and what makes you happy and fulfilled.

Don’t be in a rush. When your life is disrupted, it takes time to adjust to the new reality. Expect to feel uncomfortable during a transition as you let go of old ways of doing things. Try to avoid starting new activities too soon, before you have had a chance to reflect and think about what is really best for you.

Expect to feel uncomfortable. A time of transition is confusing and disorienting. It is normal to feel insecure and anxious. These feelings are part of the process, and they will pass.

Stay sober. Using alcohol or drugs during this confusing time is not a good idea. It can only make the process more difficult.

Take good care of yourself. Transitions are very stressful, even if they are supposed to be happy times. You may not feel well enough to participate in your normal activities. Find something fun to do for yourself each day. Get plenty of rest, exercise, and eat well.

Build your support system. Seek the support of friends and family members, especially those who accept you without judging you and encourage you to express your true feelings. A time of transition is also an excellent time to seek the support of a mental health professional. He or she can guide you through the transition process in a safe and supportive environment.

Acknowledge what you are leaving behind. This is the first step to accepting the new. Think about how you respond to endings in your life: Do you generally avoid them, like the person who ducks out early on her last day on the job because she can’t bear to say good-bye? Or do you drag them out because you have such a hard time letting go? Perhaps you make light of endings, refusing to let yourself feel sad. Before you can welcome the new, you must acknowledge and let go of the old.

Keep some things consistent. When you are experiencing a significant life change, it helps to keep as much of your daily routine consistent as you can.

Accept that you may never completely understand what has happened to you. You are likely to spend a lot of time feeling confused and afraid. This makes most of us very uncomfortable. The discomfort and confusion will pass, and clarity will return.

Take one step at a time. It’s understandable to feel like your life has become unmanageable. To regain a sense of power, find one small thing you can control right now. Then break it down into small, specific, concrete steps. Write them down and post them on your computer monitor or mirror. Cross off each step as you accomplish it.

Times of life transitions offer you the chance to explore what your ideal life would look like. When things are in disarray, you can reflect on the hopes and dreams you once had but perhaps forgot about. Take this time to write about them in a journal or talk about them with a trusted friend or therapist. Now is a good time to take advantage of the fork in the road.

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813-240-3237

4 horsemen, Assertiveness, CBT, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Counseling, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, Psychotherapy, relationship, self awareness

Facilitating Communication between Couples

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By Elizabeth Mahaney, M.A., LMHC, MFT, NCC, DCC, Ph.D

Abstract

Communication is central to a healthy marriage.  Communication was ranked as the number one problem among couples in therapy (Hecker &Wetchler, 2003). There are several obstacles that can contribute to poor communication between couples. Research findings with regard to communication between couples tends to focus on distressed versus non-distressed couples.  Research findings also stress and focus on the importance of positive communication between couples. The main goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to increase the desired behavior or cognition and decrease the undesirable cognitions and behaviors. There are basically three main phases of goals to help the therapist facilitate communication between couples which include; early-phase, middle-phase, and late-phase. During the early-phase the therapist assesses each partner and gains information about how the couple interacts and communicates. Complimenting and highlighting the couple’s effective communication begins the process of shaping. The therapist could ask the couple to define the problem behavior, as well as determine if there are any unacceptable forms of communication between the partners. Next, during the middle-phase the therapist should focus on decreasing inappropriate communication and increasing suitable communication between the couple. Implementing cognitive behavior psycho-education allows the couple to gain knowledge and information about communication skills and techniques. The late-phase goal of therapy is when the therapist draws attention to the eradication of the conflicting communication styles and patterns and investigates problem-solving competence. Cognitive behavior therapy uses thought patterns to change moods and behaviors. With cognitive-behavior therapy, the therapist should be aware that nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal communication with regards to communication. Self-report scales as well as several different techniques, activities, and homework assignments may be utilized to assess communication problems in a couple’s relationship. Furthermore, in facilitating communication between couples the therapist should demonstrate the importance of using “I” messages. Multicultural issues intermingled with a lack of communication can add a heavy burden on couples. Effective communication is facilitated by a healthy relationship built on mutual respect. Couples from diverse backgrounds are usually faced with greater communication obstacles.

  

Manual: Facilitating Communication between Couples

With Cognitive Behavior Therapy

   

Introduction

Communication is central to a healthy marriage.  It is the main source of tranquility, love, and the continuity of a relationship. The absence of communication builds up to conflict, which could possibly end the relationship at hand.  Communication was ranked as the number one problems among couples in therapy (Hecker &Wetchler, 2003).  Communication is something we all know is necessary to keep any relationship strong and loving, and although we are aware of the importance of communication, we still seem to be clueless about what exactly good communication really is. This does not mean you are clueless as a person.  It means that more attention is required on your part, so that you can become more open and invite the many forms of communication that exist.  Hence, you will be able to understand yourself and your partner more adequately.

There is nothing that keeps a relationship healthy better than understanding.  Once you start becoming more familiar with your communicating styles, as well as your partners, you will be able to work better as a team in making the best of your relationship.  Effective communication cannot happen on its own or with the efforts of only one person. Both you and your partner have to be open and willing to work as a team on improving the way you communicate, so that you both can enhance your relationship skills and build a relationship where you both will have an understanding of who you are as individuals and what you both need and want. Just remember to stay real with yourself and avoid painting a foggy and falsified picture- so that you will never be caught off guard with nay-painful surprises or stressful misunderstandings (Ruigrok, 2005).             

Couples are often adept at dealing with people outside the relationship, but few people enter an intimate relationship with the basic understandings or the technical skills that make a relationship blossom.  They frequently lack the know how to make joint decisions, to decipher their partners communication.  Because of the strength of feelings and expectations, the deep dependency, and the crucial, often arbitrary symbolic meanings that they attach to each other’s actions, partners are prone to misinterpret each other’s actions (Hecker & Wetchler, 2003).

Communication problems are one of the most damaging problems that a relationship can face.  Many couples often feel that their partner should know what they are thinking, but do not communicate their thoughts and wants to them.  Open communication sounds good, but in reality it is very difficult. The reason for this is that we do not want to be open, especially in the beginning of a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, many people think that if we are real, other people are not going to like us.

Presenting Problems in Communication between Couples

There are several obstacles that can contribute to poor communication between couples.  Examples include, but are not limited to:

Contempt: insults or put-downs

One or more partners fails to listen to each other

Criticism: attacking or blaming the other partner

Men and women have different expectations for intimacy independence

Cross-complaining: spouses do not acknowledge each other’s concerns and desires

Fault-finding/Blaming the other partner

Defensiveness: warding off a perceived attack from a partner

Problem escalation: one spouse’s statement of a problem is followed by a negative response from the partner

Lack of clarity when sending/receiving messages while communicating

Debating the truth

Poor logic in a spouse’s statements

Stalemates: each person takes an unyielding position regarding the solution to the problem

Frequent topic shifts

Interruptions

Over-generalized statements: broad conclusions based on limited # of incidents

Dichotomous thinking: all or nothing thinking

Inconsistencies between verbal and nonverbal communication channels

Sidetracking: shifting from one topic to another

Vague statements that do not specify particular behaviors and emotions

Passive aggressiveness to coerce a partner

Selective abstraction: focusing one’s attention on only some aspects of a situation

Personalization: a partner concludes that events are related to them, when this is not the case

Magnification & Minimization: exaggerating or minimizing the significance of an event

Stonewalling/withdrawing

*Source: (Baucom & Epstein, 1990)

Differing communication styles between men and women can also serve as an obstacle to healthy communication.  Examples of male and female communication styles include: (1) men talk to give information or report, while women talk to collect information or gain rapport, (2) men focus on facts, reason, and logic, while women focus on feelings, senses, and meaning, and (3) men thrive on competing and achieving, while women thrive on harmony and relating (Simon & Pederson, 2005).  Cognitive behavior therapy is a theoretical approach that can be utilized to counteract the presenting problems mentioned earlier, as well as teach couples the skills necessary to identify and modify dysfunctional cognitions or behaviors in the future (Baucom & Epstein, 1990). 

Review of Literature

            Research findings with regard to communication between couples tends to focus on distressed versus non-distressed couples.  For example, Baucom and Epstein (1990) note that, “distressed couples exhibit more negative nonverbal communication such as criticism and put-downs, and fewer forms of positive communication, such as acknowledgment, than non-distressed couples” (p. 39).  Research findings also stress and focus on the importance of positive communication between couples.  Epstein and Baucom (2002) point out that, “although the findings are not totally consistent, several studies have demonstrated that happy couples exhibit a higher rate of positive communication than distressed couples when the partners are having a conversation with each other” (p. 29).  These findings are significant because in cognitive-behavioral therapy, the therapist attempts to assess how distressed couples are while they interact with one another, so that the therapist can alter negative behaviors that may be maintaining the poor communication between the couple.  Researchers also study the way that couples send and receive each other’s messages when communicating, which is also referred to as encoding and decoding.  Baucom and Epstein (1990) state that, “research findings regarding the encoding and decoding of marital communication indicate that when attempting to understand a couple’s misunderstandings, it is important to investigate the degree to which it is a problem of unclear expressiveness by one party, or ineffective listening by the other party” (p.34).  Encoding and decoding between couples is important to cognitive-behavioral therapists because they assess the specificity and clarity of these actions while the couple is interacting with one another.  Then the therapist can help the couple alter the manner in which they send and receive each others messages.  As a result, partners will be more understanding of one another.        

Goals and objectives of Cognitive Behavior Therapy

The main goal of cognitive behavior therapy is to increase the desired behavior or cognition and decrease the undesirable cognitions and behaviors. Another goal of cognitive behavioral couples therapy intervention techniques involves the use of cognitive restructuring. Restructuring is a process of evaluating cognitions and determining the accuracy of the cognition and changing those that are inaccurate or unrealistic. Attributions, assumptions, expectations, and standards that are unrealistic are worked on together by the therapist and partners to produce complementary explanations that are more accurate.  Hence, partners can direct more positive feelings towards one another.

There are basically three main phases of goals to help the therapist facilitate communication between couples which include; early-phase, middle-phase, and late-phase.

First, the early-phase goal is for the therapist to establish the therapeutic relationship with the couple by showing respect. The therapist can accomplish this task by modeling appropriate communication skills and positively reinforcing open progressive communication and interaction between the couple both during the session and out of the session. The therapist assesses each partner and gains information about how the couple interacts and communicates. The therapist should also be aware of any unresolved issues that may be contributing to the miscommunication. Complimenting and highlighting the couple’s effective communication begins the process of shaping. Shaping is a technique used by therapists that is based on operant conditioning and implies dividing the behavior into subsections, then rewards and punishments are implemented to produce the desired behavior. The therapist could ask the couple to define the problem behavior, as well as determine if there is any unacceptable communication between the partners.  The therapist may also ask the couple what their views of proficient communication mean to each of them. Homework consisting of charting inappropriate communication could be given to the couple. The use of functional analysis can be used to examine past experiences of communication patterns. Furthermore, a therapeutic contract should be developed during this phase to specify goals and objectives.

Next, during the middle-phase the therapist should focus on decreasing inappropriate communication and increasing suitable communication between the couple. There are several ways that communication can be facilitated during this phase. Implementing cognitive behavior psycho-education allows the couple to gain knowledge and information about communication skills and techniques. Two more major techniques that can be implemented in this phase are problem solving skills and communication enrichment. Challenging irrational beliefs facilitates the exploration of the couple’s inability to communicate. In addition, it is beneficial to investigate pessimistic assumptions and attributions that sustain the lack of communication among partners. It is also imperative that the therapist and couple discuss contracts and charts to observe changes or any need for renegotiation. The couple and the therapist must negotiate how the partners will treat each other and how they will communicate needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings. The therapist should recognize explicit constructive and unconstructive reinforcements for productive communication and let the couple know that it is crucial to maintain consistent reinforcement. The token system may be initiated. The token system is a technique that the therapist and partners develop. An inventory of preferred behaviors is listed with points associated with each item. The partners may earn points or have points deducted depending on the behaviors being displayed. When the points have accrued the couple may trade points for a variety of rewards. Time outs have been a popular disciplinary tool for parents to use with their children but time outs can be a useful instrument to help partners control situations that may escalate into an argument. It is a good idea for the therapist and couple to develop a plan for when the couple feels as though the situation is getting out-of-hand, it may be beneficial to take a time out so ensure that words or behaviors are not inappropriately exchanged.

Finally, the late-phase goal of therapy may be implemented which is when the therapist draws attention to the eradication of the conflicting communication styles and patterns and investigates problem-solving competence. In this phase the therapist and couple discuss any residual issues that may need to be explored and worked out. They also note any changes that have been made in the relationship, as well as changes in communication. Further psycho-education and communication guidance may be employed. It is important for the therapist to check-in with each partner and assess contracts and limitations to their communication. Any miscommunication that still exists should be worked through while maintaining rewarding patterns of communication. A contract may be put into place regarding how long the couple remains in therapy.  This may depend on the couple’s relationship satisfaction, or how well the couple communicates consistently with one another.  For example, the couple will terminate therapy if they appropriately and consistently communicate with one another for thirty consecutive days.  It is beneficial to renegotiate how the partners will treat each other and how they will communicate needs, wants, thoughts, and feelings. References and other support groups should be made available for the couple to explore. The couple and the therapist should make a list of warning signs of falling back into the same patterns of miscommunication and formulate a plan to deal with these issues. In addition, a list of appropriate and reinforcing behaviors and patterns of communication should be created to help the couple sustain improvements in their relationship. 

Theoretical approach and Rationale

The rationale for using cognitive behavior therapy is that when couples experience difficulties in their relationship, especially communication, the problems are likely to include behavioral, cognitive, and affective components.  The assessment of these factors is crucial in preparation for therapeutic interventions with couple’s communication patterns (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).  Hence, cognitive behavior therapy can be utilized if cognitions, behaviors, or emotions are distorted and maintaining a couple’s communication problem.

Cognitive behavior therapy is an approach that originated as a result of the psychodynamic approach (with an added cognitive element). This approach includes behavioral techniques for families, couples, adolescents, children, and sexual dysfunctions. Cognitive behavior therapy uses thought patterns to change moods and behaviors. It is relatively short term. There are several positive aspects of this approach including: being empirically based, goal oriented, practical, active, and collaborative.  Despite these benefits, CBT can not be used for individuals in whom thinking or communicating is severely disturbed. If partners do not complete “homework” and keep accurate records, the therapeutic process can be greatly hindered. In addition, CBT focuses on a client’s present situation and does not attempt to dig up the past which can result in a lack of self compassion.  With cognitive-behavior therapy, the therapist should be aware that nonverbal communication is just as important as verbal communication with regards to communication. 

The key theorists for cognitive behavior therapy include:

Albert Bandura

Aaron Beck

Albert Ellis

Joseph Wolpe

Richard Stuart

B.F. Skinner

Norman Epstein

Neil Jacobson

Gerald Jones

Gerald Patterson

Donald Meichenbaum

Arnold Lazarus

*Source: (Hecker & Wetchler, 2003)

Program Activities and Materials

The program activities and materials are based on Marriage enrichment and relationship enhancement philosophies and concepts.

1.Increasing and Identifying Rewarding Communication:

•One should reward their partner even if he or she is not showing rewarding communication and behavior in return. It may take a little while for one another to teach each other positive communication because the present communication and behavior has been used. It is important to follow the rule of reciprocity; if you communicate, usually, your spouse will reward you by communicating accordingly. Unfortunately, unrewarding actions are also reciprocated.

•It is important to know what each partner likes and dislikes about the other’s communication style and behavior. The partners are not mind readers and need each other to help teach one another and learn what they find rewarding. Many couples spend a lot of time dwelling on the negative and not enough time articulating what is positive and rewarding.

•Each partner should be very specific about the rewarding communication or behavior that they get pleasure from. For example, if a spouse told her partner that she enjoyed how nice he was to her last week, this taught her partner nothing. If a spouse were to say I really enjoyed how you called me Tuesday night to let me know that you would be home a little late, I really appreciate when you are thoughtful, this would give her partner insight and the ability to repeat the rewarding communication and behavior.

Homework assignment:

A.   List seven rewarding ways that your spouse communicated during the past week.

B.    Throughout the up coming week write down seven specific times your partner communicated and behaved in a rewarding manner. Do not show your spouse until the next therapy session.

C.    List seven specific rewarding things, which do not take up too much time, that you would like your spouse to do during the next week.

1.Taking Responsibility and Rewarding Communication-

·      Both partners in a relationship must take responsibility for change to occur. A general rule is actions that are rewarded will increase and actions that are punished will decrease.

·      Both partners must teach each other specific actions that they like and follow these rules;

A.   Articulate the specific action that pleased you,

B.    Genuinely reward your spouse immediately,

C.    Stay in the here and now.

Activity:

Ask yourself if you have ever heard or said any of these statements;

·      “You never talk about anything with me anymore” (thinking in a way that it is all or nothing).

·      “You told me how you felt today but you usually never tell me about anything” (using the zap method of treatment).

·      “Why can’t you be more open, caring, emotional” (using why as an accusation)?

·      Do you tend to withdraw, mope, or sulk?

Now think about how you would respond to these statements and what the outcome would be.

·      The all or nothing statement will promote feelings that your spouse can do nothing to make a difference so there is no need to try resulting in withdrawal or defensive interactions and behavior.

·      The zap method ends with punishment or accusation regarding the past so the spouse will more than likely remember the negative accusation and not the reward.

·      The “why” statement is the most common statements made by couples in distress and usually the outcome is an argument and then withdrawal. How is your spouse supposed to respond to this question? Withdrawal may decrease the chances of an argument but will annoy the other partner and furthermore, withdrawal does not teach each other what you do enjoy.

1.Build on the Positive-

·      The more the specific behavior is rewarded the better the chance of the behavior to increase. It is up to each partner to let the other know what he or she likes. The purpose of teaching each other what is enjoyable is to improve the relationship and facilitate better communication skills between each other.

Homework:

·      List seven specific times and examples of when you reward your spouse during the upcoming week.

4. Thoughts that are Automatic-

Automatic thoughts are ideas or notions that may or may not be accurate and are usually associated with negative viewpoints. It is beneficial to be aware and challenge automatic thoughts. The following is a list with examples of some automatic thoughts that are common among distraught couples.

ü     Labeling- giving your spouse a name such as “aggressive” and believing that he or she will always be that way and is not capable of changing.

ü     Shoulds- an irrational way of thinking about your relationship and standards that ought to be upheld. For example, “I should not have to ask my spouse to tell me what is on his or her mind”, “I should never be bored or discontented in my relationship”, “why should I have to change”?, “change should just happen and occur quickly”, If my spouse can not get the hint of what I want, than why should I stay in this marriage”?

ü     Fortune-telling- predicting that your spouse will never change which results in telling yourself that you will never be happy.

ü     Perfectionism- comparing your relationship to an impracticable idealistic view of how a relationship should be. For example, “it is not like we just met, we have been together for a while so he should know exactly what I want”.

ü     Mind-reading- perceiving that your spouse is insinuating something with out sufficient evidence. For example, a spouse may think that her husband does not care about her because he did not open the door for her.

ü     Discounting the positive- when a spouse ignores the rewarding behavior or styles of communication by believing that the actions are insignificant because that is what a husband or wife should do. Another illustration of discounting the positive when one believes that his or her success is trivial.

ü     Catastrophic thinking- believing that the argument or issue that occurred means that your marriage is awful and doomed.

ü     Emotional reasoning- you feel a certain way and relate the way you feel with how your marriage is going. For example, “I feel depressed which means that my marriage must be failing”.

ü     Negative filter- when a partner only focuses on the negative and does not see the positive aspects of the relationship.

ü     Externalizing- believing that you have no control over what happens.

ü     Over-generalizing- taking a broad view of the situation and using statements such as “if I fail at me marriage, I will fail at everything”.

Homework:

Write a list each day of the automatic thoughts or comments and notice any patterns.

5. Ground Rules Regarding Having Differences of opinions and Arguing-   

·      Use “time out” if you and you spouse are prone to explosive actions and comments. (It is important to allow for your partner to ask for a time out and receive it without the other partner following Him or her in to the other room).

·      The issue should be solved by both of you and each person should be invited to discuss their opinion and offer ideas to the solution. Possible solutions should be prioritized from most acceptable to not suitable.

·      It is imperative that both partners compromise and come to a mutual agreement. Keep in mind that modifications may be needed if the first arrangement is not sufficient.

·      Stay on the present issue and do not bring up differences from the past or material that is irrelevant.

·      Accept responsibility for the role each person plays in the dilemma.

·      Remember not to label, use the why accusation (why do you always…?), withdrawal, mope, use sarcasm, use a loud tone of voice, or use threats or ultimatums.

·      Consider that rewarding each other for cooperating and compromising may increase more positive correspondence in the future.

6. Empathetically Listening to Your Partner-

Rephrasing is a good way for couples to show that they are truly listening to one another. When having a discussion briefly state the point of the conversation using only about three statements and then ask your partner to rephrase your statements. After your partner rephrases specify what was correct and clear up any misunderstandings. If there were any misunderstandings, explain your point once more and ask your partner to rephrase again. Next, ask for any disagreeing view points. If there are disagreements subsequently rephrase the differential statements. The rephrasing technique can be used to be certain that each partner is being heard clearly and may help decrease the severity of the altercation.

A number of other different techniques and activities may be employed in cognitive-behavioral therapy to help patients uncover and examine their thoughts, as well as change their behaviors.  They Include:

•Cognitive rehearsal- The patient imagines a difficult situation and the therapist guides him through the step-by-step process of facing and successfully dealing with it.  The patient then works on practicing, or rehearsing, these steps mentally.  Ideally, when situation arises in real life, the patient will draw on the rehearsed behavior to address it.

•Journal- Patients are asked to keep a detailed diary recounting their thoughts, feelings and actions when specific situations arise.  The journal helps to make the patient aware of his or her maladaptive thoughts and to show their consequences on behavior.  In late stages of therapy, it may serve to demonstrate and reinforce positive behaviors.

•Modeling- The therapist and patient engage in role-playing exercises in which the therapist acts out appropriate behaviors or responses to situations.

•Conditioning- The therapist uses reinforcement to encourage a particular behavior.  For example, a child with ADHD gets a gold star every time he stays focused on tasks and accomplishes certain daily chores.  The gold star reinforces and increases the desired behavior by identifying it with something positive.  Reinforcement can also be used to extinguish unwanted behaviors by imposing negative consequences.

•Systematic Desensitization- Patients imagine a situation they fear, while the therapist employs techniques to help the patient relax, helping the person cope with their fear reaction and eventually eliminate the anxiety altogether.  The imagery of the anxiety producing situations gets progressively more intense until, eventually, the therapist and patient approach the anxiety causing situation in real life.  Exposure may be increases to the point of “flooding”, providing maximum exposure to the real situation.  By repeatedly pairing a desired response (relaxation) with a fear producing situation, the patient gradually becomes desensitized to the old response of fear and learns to react with feelings of relaxation.

•Validity testing- Patients are asked to test the validity of the automatic thoughts and schemas they encounter.  The therapist may ask the patient to defend or produce evidence that schema is true.  If the patient is unable to meet the challenge, the faulty nature of the schema is exposed. 

•Self-report scales- May be utilized to assess communication problems in the couple’s relationship.  Some examples include: the Marital Communication Inventory, the Primary Communication Inventory, the self-report form of the Verbal Problems Checklist, and the Problem-Solving Communication and Affective Communication scales from the Marital Satisfaction Inventory (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).  These inventories are effective tools for gathering information about the couple’s patterns of communication, and they help with determining what areas the couple needs to work on during the treatment process.

•“I” Messages- In facilitating communication between couples the therapist should demonstrate the importance of using “I” messages. “I” type messages place focus on the speaker’s feelings with regard to their partner’s behavior. By using “I” statements the listeners can gain a better understanding of the effects their actions have on their partner.  The therapist should understand what type of communicator each client is. Expressive communicators tend to share emotions and feelings. These individuals usually need responsive feedback. Problem-solving communicators may seldom talk about their feelings. These types of communicators may place facts in place of their feelings when giving a statement (Baucom & Epstein, 1990).

Diversity Issues

Diversity issues can sometimes create severe conflict within a relationship.  Couples who are combated with diversity and communication issues are dealt a dueling dilemma when trying to coexist in harmony.  Gender differences are the first issue couples must deal with. Men and women can be on opposite ends of the communication spectrum. Communication between members of the opposite sex can be difficult when neither party understands the issues being brought forth by each other. When gender roles (with regard to responsibility) are strongly defined within a relationship, a couple’s communication may suffer. When gender issues are combated with communication issues, the role of the therapist becomes more difficult. The therapist must be sensitive to both sides and respect the argument given by both parties involved.

            Multicultural issues intermingled with a lack of communication can add a heavy burden on couples. Effective communication is facilitated by a healthy relationship built on mutual respect. It is imperative that couples understand each others culture, beliefs, and values. Multicultural frameworks are important in therapy. With the U.S. being a collection of diverse individuals, effective couples therapy is of grave importance (Hecker & Wetchler, 42). Couples from diverse backgrounds are usually faced with greater communication obstacles. Learning and understanding the cultural norms of a partner is important. Not being culturally aware can cause a breakdown in communication. Some groups, such as Native Americans feel that problems should be dealt with on a personal level. If in a relationship with an individual of strong Western ideology, communication can become compromised. Hanna & Brown (1995) present questions for assessing racial and cultural factors in therapy:

§       How does your racial/cultural/religious heritage make your family different from other families you know?

§       Compared to other families in your cultural group, how is your family different?

§       What are the values your family identifies as being important parts of your heritage?

§       At this particular time in you family’s development, are there issues related to your cultural heritage that are being questioned by anyone?

§       What might an outsider not understand about your racial/cultural/religious background? (Hecker & Wetchler, 429)

Not only could the answers to these questions aid in facilitating communication between a diverse couple but it could also aid the therapist in gaining an understanding of that culture. Exploration into the importance of culture can assist in understanding and overcoming communication obstacles (Hecker & Wetchler).

Program Evaluation

l     Assess diagnostic workup of patients at the start of therapy placing emphasis on problems, needs, and issues brought to the table.

l      Review treatment plans including the goals and the couples needs for therapy.  Assess their level of communication, anxiety and stress from the start of therapy.

l     After reviewing information and history from the beginning of therapy, therapists can evaluate the progress made by clients by means of discussing with clients the progress they have made, observation of new and beneficial communication skills, charting/journaling, evaluation of goals met and satisfaction of relationship between the couple.

l     Assess if the desired behavior or cognition has been increased and the undesirable cognitions and behaviors have been decreased or eliminated.

l     Measure whether restructuring has taken place-determining the accuracy of a cognition and changing those that are inaccurate or unrealistic

References

Baucom, D. H., & Epstein, N. B. (1990). Cognitive–Behavioral Marital Therapy.  New York:

            Brunner/Mazel.

Becvar, D. S., & Becvar, R. J. (2003).  Family Therapy: A System Integration fifth

            edition.

Brown, J., & Brown, C.  (2002).  Marital therapy:  concepts and skills for effective practice.

California: Brooks/Cole.

Bauserman, R. (2002). The Journal of Family Psychology 2002, Vol. 16, NO. 1, 91-102.           

Corey, G.  (2001).  Theories and Practice of Counseling and Psychotherapy (6th ed).

            Wadsworth.

Corey, G., Corey, M., & Callahan, P.  (2003). Issues & Ethics in the Helping Professions

            (6th ed).  Brooks/Cole- Thompson Learning.

Corliss, R. and Steptoe, S. (2004, January 19). The Marriage Savers. Time, 88-96.

Dattilio, M. F. (2001).  Cognitive-Behavior Family Therapy:  contemporary myths and

            misconceptions.  Contemporary Family Therapy, (23), 1.

Doss, B. D., Thum, Y. M., Atkins, D. C., Sevier, M., & Christensen, A. (2005). Improving

relationships: mechanisms of change in couple therapy. American Psychological Association, 73(4), 624-633.

Epstein, N. B., & Baucom, D. H.  (2002).  Enhanced Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy for Couples.

            Washington, DC: American Psychological Association. 

Gehart, D. R., & Tuttle, A. R.  (2003).  Theory based treatment planning for marriage

            and family therapists: integrating theory and practice. Brooks/Cole.

Hecker, L. L., Wetchler, J. L., (2003).  An introduction to marriage and family therapy.  New

            York:  The Haworth Clinical Practice Press.

Hunt, R.A., Hof, L. and DeMaria, R. (1998). Marriage Enrichment; Preparing, Mentoring, and

           Outreach. PA: Brunner/Mazel.

Simon, V., & Pederson, H.  (2005, March).  Communication with men at work: bridging the gap

            with male coworkers and employees.  Retrieved February 18, 2006, from

            http://www.itstime.com/mar2005.htm

  

Assertiveness, Communication, self awareness

TEN KEY CAPACITIES OF THE REAL SELF

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1.Capacity to experience a wide range of feelings deeply with liveliness, joy, vigor, excitement and spontaneity.

2.Capacity to expect appropriate entitlements. From early experiences of mastery, coupled with parental acknowledgment and support of the real self, healthy individuals build a sense of entitlement to appropriate experiences of mastery and pleasure, as well as the environmental input needed to achieve these objectives.

3.Capacity for self-activation and assertion. This capacity includes the ability to identify one’s own unique individuality, wishes, dreams, and goals and to be assertive in expressing them autonomously.

4.Acknowledgment of self-esteem. This capacity allows a person to identify and acknowledge that he has effectively coped with a problem or crisis in a positive and creative way.

5.The ability to soothe painful feelings. The real self will not allow us to wallow in misery. When things go wrong and we are hurt, the real self devises means to minimize and soothe painful feelings.

6.The ability to make and stick to commitments. The real self allows us to make commitments to relationships and career goals. Despite obstacles and setbacks, a person with a strong sense of real self will not abandon her goal decision when it is clear that it is a good one and in her best interest.

7. Creativity. Based on helping people allow their real selves to emerge, is the ability to replace old familiar patterns of living and problem-solving with new and equally or more successful ones.

8.Intimacy. The capacity to express the real self fully in a close relationship with another person with minimal anxiety about abandonment or engulfment (ability to self-soothe this anxiety).

9.The ability to be alone. The real self allows us to be alone without feeling abandoned. It enables us to manage ourselves and our feelings on our own through periods when there is no special person in our lives and not confuse this type of aloneness with the psychic aloneness, springing from an impaired real self, that drives us to despair or the pathological need to fill up our lives with meaningless sexual activity or dead-end relationships just to avoid coming face to face with the impaired real self.

10.Continuity of self. This is the capacity to recognize and acknowledge that we each have a core that persists through space and time.

Masterson, J.F. (1988). The search for the real self: Unmasking the personality disorders of our age. New York: Free Press.

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Gottman Approach, Gottman Marriage Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, relationship, self awareness, Uncategorized

Assertiveness Communication

Most of us know that assertiveness will get you further in life than being passive or aggressive. But few of us were actually taught how to be assertive. Here are some helpful tips.

1.    Choose the right time. Imagine you’re dashing down the hall on your way to a meeting. Lisa passes by. You call out, “Can you have the Microsoft project out by Tuesday?” Because you haven’t scheduled a special time to bring up the issue, Lisa has no reason to think your request deserves high priority.

   

2.    Choose the right place. Discuss important issues in a private, neutral location.

   

3.    Be direct. For example, “Lisa, I would like you to work overtime on the Microsoft project.” Whether or not Lisa likes your request, she respects you for your directness.

   

4.    Say “I,” not “we.” Instead of saying, “We need the project by Tuesday,” say, “I would like you to finish the project by Tuesday.”

   

5.    Be specific. Instead of, “Put a rush on the Microsoft project,” say, “I would like the Microsoft project finished and on Joe’s desk by 9:00 Tuesday morning.”

   

6.    Use body language to emphasize your words. “Lisa, I need that report Tuesday morning,” is an assertive statement. But if you mumble this statement while staring at the floor, you undermine your message.

   

7.    Confirm your request. Ask your staff to take notes at meetings. At the end of each meeting, ask your group to repeat back the specifics that were agreed upon. This minimizes miscommunication.

   

8.    Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to take advantage of you; insist on being treated fairly. Here are a few examples: “I was here first,” “I’d like more coffee, please,” “Excuse me, but I have another appointment,” “Please turn down the radio,” or “This steak is well done, but I asked for medium rare.”

   

9.    Learn to be friendly with people you would like to know better. Do not avoid people because you don’t know what to say. Smile at people. Convey that you are happy to see them.

   

10.    Express your opinions honestly. When you disagree with someone, do not pretend to agree. When you are asked to do something unreasonable, ask for an explanation.

   

11.    Share your experiences and opinions. When you have done something worthwhile, let others know about it.

   

12.    Learn to accept kind words. When someone compliments you, say, “Thank you.”

   

13.    Maintain eye contact when you are in a conversation.

   

14.    Don’t get personal. When expressing annoyance or criticism, comment on the person’s behavior rather than attacking the person. For example: “Please don’t talk to me that way,” rather than, “What kind of jerk are you?”

   

15.    Use “I” statements when commenting on another’s behavior. For example: “When you cancel social arrangements at the last minute, it’s extremely inconvenient and I feel really annoyed.”

   

16.    State what you want. If appropriate, ask for another behavior. (“I think we’d better sit down and try to figure out how we can make plans together and cut down on this kind of problem.”)

   

17.    Look for good examples. Pay attention to assertive people and model your behavior after theirs.

   

18.    Start slowly. Express your assertiveness in low-anxiety situations at first; don’t leap into a highly emotional situation until you have more confidence. Most people don’t learn new skills overnight.

   

19.    Reward yourself each time you push yourself to formulate an assertive response. Do this regardless of the response from the other person.

   

20.    Don’t put yourself down when you behave passively or aggressively. Instead, identify where you went off course and learn how to improve.

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Counseling, Couples Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy, relationship

Fine Tune Your Relationship

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Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart? Here are some ways you can make your partner feel appreciated again and prevent your relationship from becoming a casualty.

    1.    Treat your partner as you would your boss, best friend, or best customer.

    2.    Think about what your partner wants and give it to him or her.

    3.    Think of ways you can do the unexpected and be thoughtful. Remember how you acted when you wanted to win your partner over.

    4.    Pay attention to your appearance. Dress nicely; get into shape.

    5.    Express your thoughts carefully. Being married doesn’t give anyone permission to let it all hang out.

    6.    Spend regular time together alone.

    7.    Look for ways to compliment your partner.

    8.    Hug when you say hello and goodbye. It feels good and it makes people feel loved.

    9.    Learn and practice communication skills. Relating successfully to another person requires a set of skills that can be learned.

    10.    Be polite. Just because you are married doesn’t mean you can forget your manners.

    11.    When you want something, say please.

    12.    When your partner does something for you, say thank you.

    13.    When your partner comes home after a day at work, greet her at the door and say hello. Ask how her day went.

    14.    When your partner leaves for work in the morning, say goodbye and “I love you” or “Have a good day.”

    15.    When your partner faces a challenge at work during the day, ask how it went when you get home.

    16.    During your evening meal together, avoid the temptation to watch television or read the paper or mail. Look at your partner and have a conversation.

    17.    If you want to make plans that affect how your partner will be spending time, check with him first and make sure it’s convenient.

    18.    When you ask your partner a question, make eye contact and listen to the answer.

    19.    When you disagree with something your partner says, pay attention to your response. Do you express your opinion without putting her down? You can express your opinion assertively rather than aggressively. For example, you can say, “I have another opinion. I think we should wait until spring to have the walls painted,” rather than, “That’s silly! We should wait until spring.”

    20.    Pay attention to how much of your side of the conversation is asking questions versus making statements. If you tend to be the dominant one, ask more questions.

    21.    Ask open-ended questions to encourage your partner to open up and talk. Open-ended questions begin like this:

    a.    Tell me about…

    b.    What do you think of…

    c.    What was it like when…

    22.    Have you become passive with your partner because that’s the easiest way to avoid conflict? Over time, this is not a good idea. You will inevitably begin to build up feelings of resentment because you are stifling your feelings, thoughts, and opinions. If you think you are choosing passive behavior too often, think about discussing it with your partner and asking him to help you be more assertive.

    23.    Researchers have found that people whose marriages last the longest have learned to separate from their families of origin (their own parents and siblings) and have appropriate, healthy boundaries. They value and honor their own privacy and separateness as a couple. This means they have regular, appropriate contact with their extended family, but that it is not excessive or stifling. How do you compare?

    24.    Check your communication with your partner and beware of using “You” messages. These are statements that begin with you. For example:

You need to come home by 6:00 tonight.

You shouldn’t do that.

You should call me from the office and tell me when you’ll be home.

Here is what you ought to do.

“You” messages are damaging because they make the other person feel bad or disrespected. It feels like you are talking down to him or her.

    25.    If you want to demonstrate to your partner that you respect and esteem him or her, try speaking with “I” messages instead. When you start your statement with “I,” you are taking responsibility for the statement. It is less blameful and less negative than the “you” message.

You can use this formula: Your feelings + Describe the behavior + Effect on you. This is how an “I” message sounds: When I heard that you’d planned a weekend up north, I was confused about why you hadn’t asked me first, so I could be sure to get the time off. It takes some practice and you have to stop and think about what you are going to say, but your marriage deserves to be handled with care.

    26.    Make a list of your partner’s positive qualities. Share them with him and tell her why you think each is true.

    27.    Ask your partner to do the same for you.

    28.    Respect each other’s private space. Over time, many couples let this slide.

    29.    As the years pass, many couples begin to feel like they are living in the same house, but have parallel lives. Their paths cross in fewer places. What is the trend in your relationship and what do you want to do about it?

Assertiveness, Communication, Conflict Resolution, Couples Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling

How People Change

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What Is Happiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life for the better, one way to start is by identifying your goals. You are probably hoping to find some version of happiness or emotional well-being. That might look like any combination of the following:

·    A sense of freedom

·    Self-esteem

·    Self-confidence

·    Happy to get up in the morning

·    Working toward goals

·    A sense of purpose in life

·    Satisfying relationships

What Is Unhappiness?

If you are thinking about changing your life, you may be experiencing some combination of the following elements:

·    Feeling sad, lethargic or depressed

·    Feeling afraid

·    Abusing or being addicted to alcohol or drugs

·    Feeling lonely

·    Anxiety

·    Problems with relationships

·    Not getting what you want in life; feeling frustrated in working toward goals

·    Not caring enough to have goals

How Will You Change?

When you decide to change your life, try the following ideas.

1.    Explore your feelings. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.

2.    Envision your future. Write in a journal, make a collage, do a guided visualization, talk to a friend or counselor, research the possibilities.

3.    Explore wishes and dreams. Keep a journal, talk to a trusted friend, work with a professional counselor.

4.    Be open to new ideas. Take a class, travel, say yes to things you may have avoided in the past.

5.    Look for kindred spirits. Avoid people who make you feel bad about yourself, seek out those who make you blossom, reach out to those with similar interests and dreams.

6.    Try something different. Deliberately buy new items, try different brands, shop at different stores, do the opposite of what you usually do, see different movies, read different kinds of books and magazines.

7.    Set goals and targets. Learn how to set useful goals, follow through, evaluate progress regularly, reward yourself for achievement.

8.    Take one step at a time. Divide your goals into tiny pieces and do one small new thing each day, starting now.

9.    Look for lessons. Remind yourself that experiences are not good or bad; they are simply lessons.

How to Overcome Your Resistance to Change

Have you ever noticed that when you think about changing your life, you feel resistant? Many people say that they not only feel resistant, but they actually do things to keep their lives familiar. They do things like start a diet and then eat a candy bar on the first day, or quit smoking and then sneak a puff.

There are some things you can do to make yourself less resistant. Here are six effective strategies:

1.    Eliminate clutter. Clutter can be viewed as a sign of uncertainty. Accumulating “stuff” might be stopping you from committing to an important thing. If you keep a lot of half-started projects around, it makes it difficult to zero in on the really important things.

2.    Start small. Thinking of your overall goal can be overwhelming. So manage your resistance by choosing one small part of it and attacking it today. Let’s say your goal is to lose 20 pounds. That can certainly seem like an impossible thing to accomplish. It will seem more doable if you tell yourself, I’m going to lose five pounds by (date).

3.    Disprove your disempowering beliefs. In Reinventing Your Life, authors Young and Klosko suggest that you identify the beliefs that keep you from succeeding. They offer a way to dispute those beliefs by asking, “Is there really an evidence today that this belief is true?” They suggest making a list of the evidence.

4.    Remind yourself of all of your available options. You always have alternatives and the power to choose among them.

5.    Take responsibility for what you want. Look for signs that you are blaming

your situation on others or not admitting past mistakes. Acknowledge them and move on.

6.    Visualize the future. Author Barbara Sher suggests one way to do this: Write an imaginary press release about yourself. The date is today’s date, two years in the future. The press release is announcing the most extraordinary event you can think of. It doesn’t matter whether this event seems only vaguely possible to you. The important thing is that it is exciting to imagine.

When to Seek Professional Help

Sometimes it makes sense to find a professional counselor to work with as you work through the change process. Here are some ways to know when that would be appropriate:

1.    You’ve tried several things but you still have the problem.

2.    You want to find a solution sooner rather than later.

3.    You have thoughts of harming yourself or others.

4.    You have symptoms of depression, anxiety, or another disorder that are significantly interfering with your daily functioning and the quality of your life. For example, you have lost time from work, your relationships have been harmed, your health is suffering. These are signs that you may need the help of a trained, licensed professional.

Communication, Counseling, Couples Counseling, Marriage and family therapy, Marriage counseling, Marriage Therapy

Learn to Have Healthy Relationships & Manage Stress

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Learn to Have Healthy Relationships.

This subject could fill an entire book. In the limited space of this newsletter, let’s look at the key components of this stress-reducing strategy.

1. Identify the sources of stress in your relationships. Write about them in a journal. Make a list of people who cause you stress and explore what the issues are.

2. Resolve the underlying issues. For each of the situations identified in step 1, assess what needs to happen to resolve it. Make a list and design a plan to improve the situation.

3. Learn skills to improve relationships. Relationship skills are learned. We are not born knowing how to get along well with others, and most of us learned only limited skills from our parents. Identify the skills you need to develop, and make a plan for yourself. You can learn these skills by reading books, taking classes, or working with a therapist.

4. Avoid toxic people and situations. Some people have a toxic effect on you. If you can, limit the amount of time you spend with them. Look for opportunities to decline their invitations. When these people are family members, remind yourself that you don’t have to feel guilty about avoiding anyone who makes you feel bad about yourself. In work situations, look for ways to rearrange your schedule or your workspace to avoid interacting with such people.

5. Seek out positive people and situations. This step is the reverse of the previous step. Look for opportunities to spend more time with people and in situations that make you feel good. Think about people who make you feel good about yourself and look for ways to increase time with them.

6. Watch what you eat. Some substances amplify the stress response. These include:

· Caffeine stimulates the release of stress hormones. This increases heart rate, blood pressure, and oxygen to the heart. Ongoing exposure to caffeine can harm the tissue of the heart.

· Refined sugar and processed flour are depleted of needed vitamins. In times of stress, certain vitamins help the body maintain the nervous and endocrine systems.

· Too much salt can lead to excessive fluid retention. This can lead to nervous tension and higher blood pressure. Stress often adds to the problem by causing increased blood pressure.

· Smoking not only causes disease and shortens life, it leads to increased heart rate, blood pressure, and respiration.

· Alcohol robs the body of nutrition that it might otherwise use for cell growth and repair. It also harms the liver and adds empty calories to the body.

During times of high stress, eat more complex carbohydrates (fruits, vegetables, whole breads, cereals, and beans).

7. Get moving. The human body was designed to be physically active. However, in most jobs today, people are sitting down most of the time. They hardly move at all except when it is time for coffee break or lunch. When faced with stressors, we respond with our minds, not our bodies. It is no wonder that many of us have a difficult time responding to stressful events.

Exercise is one of the simplest and most effective ways to respond to stress. Activity provides a natural release for the body during its fight-or-flight state of arousal. After exercising, the body returns to its normal state of equilibrium, and one feels relaxed and refreshed.

8. Look for ways to let go of tension and anxiety. Meditation, hypnosis, and progressive relaxation are valuable ways to regenerate and refresh yourself. You can purchase meditation and relaxation audiotapes or record your own. This is especially important because your health and long life depend on minimizing stress and achieving a sense of balance and well-being.